The World According to Mike

A NOTE ABOUT MY DOG BABE:   

THE REMEMBRANCES OF BABE’S LIFE are just down the page—-a little bit past the Random Thoughts and Observations heading.

 

WHAT ELSE IS ON THIS PAGE?

I wanted to add a page where I could write down thoughts and observations spontaneously. Some of the stuff will be meaningful, some mundane, and some of it will probably be ridiculous.       

 RANDOM THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS

5/28/10…At my friend’s house in Decatur GA, outside Atlanta. Making pizza on the grill. Actually never heard of doing pizza on a grill.  Going to a  beer fest at the zoo tonight….no, I’ve never heard of a concert and beer event at a zoo. Drunk people at a zoo…potential for weird happenings? Maybe. I’ll be all about the Gorilla enclosure. Love watching the apes.  Played a marathon mononply game last night. Everyone but me cheated. Last time I was here Babe was with me. She got in the neighbor’s house and ate their dog food out of a dog bowl she found.

5/26… This is the first time I’ve written anything like a random thought or diary type entry on here since Babe died. I still miss her like crazy. Her going away so suddenly has left a giant void. She was such a constant companion for 11 years. I’m not going to say a lot about her because I could go on and on. There’s certainly A LOT about her below here on this page. I’ll just say this…the intensity of the hurt has definitely lessened, which just makes me more clear headed in terms of remembering how much I enjoyed her. I’d, of course, do anything to be able to bring her back.

I’m going to write very regularly about my transplant on the GEETING MY TRANSPLANT page. I want to finish that story AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Speaking of kidneys…a cyst has popped on at least one of my old kidneys and has been bleeding for about ten days. It doesn’t do any long term harm, but does make my back hurt. Plus, it’s very weird to see the toilet bowl water turn red, even though I’ve seen it before. Going to Atlanta this weekend to see a couple of friends and stay at their house. Obama needs to take charge of oil in Gulf situation. Not enough direction from the White House on it. It’s such a new world when debt in Spain and Greece creates ripple effects around the world. China is weird. They can be so efficient finacially and otherwise, and yet are so rigid and archaic about social policy.

I’ll feel better about life when I stop bleeding. I want a girlfriend! There’s a random thought for you. Going hiking in the Adirondacks around Lake Placid in July with my brothers. That will be awesome. I’m going to get a new dog in June. No dog will ever be a replacement for Babe, simply a new chapter. Might get another Lab, but never another black Lab.

2/17/11…Tiger is going to come out of seclusion and speak Friday.  All he can do is grow as a person and move on. The real tests for him come with his family and friends, not as much with the public.  His wife, family, and friends are the people he really is accountable to. One year anniversary of the Stimulus bill. It’s like most other things these days in politics…the truth about it lies somewhere in the middle.  It clearly helped to avoid devastation in state budgets and helped with Medicaid, unemployment insurance, and more. BUT, it didn’t do enough related to infrastructure. Roads, bridges, and railways need A LOT of repair—and government, for the most part, has to pay for it.  Federal debt needs to be brought down, but where do you cut spending? No easy answers, but wise people have to make the tough choices. IT CAN NOT BE a partisan issue. UNC basketball was absolutely awful against GT.  They are a very mysterious team.  My Antonia by Willa Cather is a great book. Just finished it.  Moving narrative about memories, sentimentality, family, missed chances, survival, rugged country life in the 1800’s, and the impact that a single charismatic person can have on many lives.  In some ways I feel like I love Antonia. That’s the sign of a story well told.

 (Dated diary type entries are continued below this entry about Babe)

 

 

                      MEMORIES OF MY DOG BABE       

 

A NOTE ABOUT BABE AND ABOUT WHY I’M MAKING THIS LIST OF MEMORIES:   

I’m really writing this list for myself because I don’t want to forget the most memorable things I experienced with Babe. She was diagnosed with cancer on Tuesday March 9th 2010 and passed away peacefully on Wednesday March 17th.

NOTE:    There is a description of Babe’s last days with me at the bottom of this list of memories.

 I went to get her ashes today (March 22, 2010) at the clinic where she was put to sleep.  The ashes are in a white box, with the name “Babe Handy” written in black letters on the top of the box.  They came in a nice soft blue bag with pull ties at the top and an inscription on the bag in gold lettering.  The inscription is about a rainbow and is related to a poem that was rolled up and placed in the box next to the ashes. (It’s a  nice, thoughtful poem, but quite frustrating to read because it teases about meeting up with your dog again some day at the end of a rainbow, which I don’t think will happen.)  The ashes are in a plastic bag inside the box, the bag has a twisty tie that seals the bag at the top. The ashes look like three or four hand fulls of sand.  The ashes obviously wouldn’t remind anyone of Babe physically; but, despite that fact, holding the bag was emotional. I found myself holding it carefully, especially when I first held it.  I cried when I took it out of box the first time.  I parked the car before I got home in the parking lot at Timberlyne Shopping center— in part so I could look more closely at what they had given me.  I took the bag out of the box for the first time as I sat in the car. As I cried a little, I looked up and saw someone walking by and thought about how he would never imagine I’m holding my dog’s ashes as I sit there in a shopping center parking lot. It shows how the world certainly goes on around us, even when we’re dealing with personal challenges and traumas.

The ashes are of Babe, but they aren’t Babe.  And yet, it’s as close as I can come to still holding her.  I’m in no rush to decide what to do with the ashes. For now, I’ll keep them here in the house. I may eventually bury them or spread them in the woods where she loved to run and explore. I might bury them behind my house. I might keep some of them. We shall see.

I’m now realizing that I have very mixed feeling about Babe’s ashes.  As I described above, I was moved by seeing and holding the ashes when I got them this afternoon. But, when I looked at the bag tonight (4-5 hours later), I was pissed that vibrant Babe had been reduced to a bag of ashes.  It’s nothing against  cremation.  I guess the problem is this…Looking at the ashes is a tangible and thoughtful way to remember the living Babe, but the ashes are also a reminder that she’s gone and has been reduced to something so utterly unlike who she was.  Maybe  I’m realizing that it’s best to bury the ashes in a place outside where she enjoyed being, rather than leaving them in the house. I’ll have to let my feelings and thoughts about what to do play out over the coming days.

 

REMEMBERANCES OF BABE  (Written  3/9 – 3/25   2010):

 

WHAT BABE MIGHT HAVE SAID…  Because I’ve kissed Babe on the head so many times and hugged her so many times, I’ve wondered what she’d say about it if she could talk.  Would she say…”Hey, I like you too, but could you cut back a little on the kissing and hugging.”                                      

IN THE WOODS…  Babe is very fast. The main time she got to use her speed was on the trails in the woods.  She mostly walked along the trails at a very brisk methodical pace as her tail wagged violently with delight. She went from walking to running, though, when she got excited for various reasons. The woods are the only place where I could allow her to be off the leash—other than the dog park. She seems to enjoy the woods more than any other place we go. Some natural instinct kicks in when she’s in the woods. She stays on or near the trail consistently and comes running back to me right away if I get out of her sight. (I sometimes hid behind trees to give her an adventure and make her run faster as she ran back to get with me).  As she walked ahead of me at her bouncy Babe pace, she explored every scent on and around the trail—and she also ran off the trails into the deeper woods for brief side trips when she got the itch to do so. She always, though, returned to the trail pretty quickly, almost always walking ahead of me, always looking back to see where I was.

One night, Babe and I got stuck out in the woods in the dark.  We got lost because we went further than usual and because I had taken some trails I hadn’t taken before. I got confused about direction and didn’t know where we were. The entire breadth of this particular woods wasn’t huge, but it was pretty big, probably 3-4 miles in each direction.  I wasn’t at all worried that we wouldn’t get out of the woods eventually because I knew that if we took the right trail to its end, we’d eventually come out somewhere. It wasn’t like it was untamed woods out in the middle of nowhere.  There were neighborhoods or roads in every direction if you went far enough (Seawell Elementary school was at  the edge where we parked), but it was still spooky and unnerving to be out there past sundown. Babe, by the way, didn’t slow down much at all because she, of course, didn’t know anything was out of whack.

I wouldn’t have taken a chance on getting temporarily lost if I had been by myself.  It was already near dusk when we started out, so I knew that going on an unknown trail was unusually adventerous. I took a chance because I knew that having Babe with me would be a comfort in case it did take longer than usual to get back to the car.  There was enough moonlight for me to see the trail a few feet in front of me. Babe was still wagging her tail like it was the middle of the day on a trail we knew.  We eventually did come out of the woods about thirty minutes later, near the quite familar  road (Seawell School Road) that ran past the forest.  I put her back on the leash before we walked back along side the road for about 1 1/2 miles to get back to where we parked. I’m sure Babe loved taking a much longer walk than usual.

THE DOG PARK…  I didn’t take her to the dog park much after she got older and more mature because there were too many overly aggressive dogs in the park. Babe loved playing very enthusiastically with dogs, but she was never aggressive with a dog. Dogs seemed to like Babe because she greeted them properly and usually knew when to back off with the more physical wrestling and playing.

DEER…  While we were in the woods, Babe chased deer if she spotted them running, but she never caught up with them. It was all about the chase, not about actually confronting them.

BEAUTIFUL BABE…  Babe was very athletic. She was also a VERY beautiful dog (a black Labrador Retriever).  She had a sleek athletic  build, jet black hair, a particularly beautiful classic Labrador look. Many people also commented on how soft her hair was.  If she had been a woman, she would have been Hallie Berry.  She received a lot of compliments over the years about her appearance.  I was the one that had to say “thanks” on her behalf, though I obviously had nothing to do with what she looked like. By the way, she apparently had a little of some other breed in her (she has a small white spot on her chest and the unusually soft hair); but, as I said, she was mostly the classic Lab in appearance and behavior.

When I got Babe, one of the first things people commented on about her was how long her toungue was. It was quite big.  People also always commented on how pretty she was (no matter how old she got—-she was always pretty).

ESCAPING…  She once got through my open sun roof  and escaped out of the parked car.  I have no idea how she was able to get out that way. It seemed impossible. I never left the car with the roof open after that. She got out through side window another time when it was cracked open a little. She ran up to Home Depot (and video store another time) and got through the automatic doors when the doors opened for her (she must have loved being greeted by automatic doors).  She got out of the car because she wanted to come and find me. At Home Depot she ran up to me at the cash register line when she found me. In the video store she darted around the aisles until I saw her and took her out of the store. In both cases, I was obviously shocked to see her in the store . I couldn’t believe she was suddenly quietly standing next to me at Home Depot. She’s Houdini when it comes to escaping from a place she’d rather not be. I left the windows down a little so she’d have fresh air. I left the window open less after the first incident.  After she got out the second time, I learned to only leave them open a very small crack.  It never happened again.

During one of the escapes from the apartment, probably five or six years ago, Babe ended up in the parking lot of Fosters restaurant while I was at work.  I think she ended up going there because I had walked her there the day before. A very nice dog loving girl who worked there took Babe home and kept her there for a couple of hours until she could get a hold of me. She liked Babe so much that she gave her a bath before I came to get Babe back at Fosters. She and I talk now almost every time I go in Fosters. I told her about Babe passing away last week. She was sad about it—like everyone else is who knew Babe.

WATCHING A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP…  She got into my landlady’s part of house while no one was home and ate everything in the gift basket on the table (she had recently gotten the package from the mail box). In 2005, she went to very big UNC vs Illinois championship game party with me. She roamed around the party playing with random strangers throughout the game.  My friend Courtney recently told me on facebook (when she heard about Babe passing away) that she remember that night, and remembered how much bean dip Babe ate. God knows how much other crap people let her eat while she was walking around greeting everyone. I guees it was okay to pig out a little on a celebratory night like that. When we won the game, everyone scattered and ran up to Franklin St.  Babe and I were left alone.  I quickly drove Babe home, and then walked up to Franklin to join the celebration.

THE LONG TRIP…  She made two trips a year with me to Norwich, N.Y. (twelve hour trips in the car). She was very good in the car! She laid down on the back seat when she wasn’t looking out the window. God Bless her for being so good on a long trip.

SHOULD I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE?…  Once when I was in Nowrich, when Babe was still very young, I went to visit my friend Val down in Binghamton.  I took Babe with me.  While we were hanging out in the house and Val was in the kitchen making tea, I think I was trying to get Babe to settle down, probably hugging her, whispering in her ear, whatever.  After Val walked in and stood with us for a minute, she jokingly said, “I almost feel like I should leave you two alone.” That was the same time that Val took us to a nearby woods for a walk.  I had a feeling that MAYBE I could let Babe loose and she’d stay on the trail and stay relatively near us. It was just a hunch. I had never tried letting her off the leash before while on a walk because of her desire to run all over the place and make me have to run after her. Sure enough, she stuck near us, out ahead of us (like she would in the future in the woods—always ahead of me) and came back to us if we stopped.  I just had to corral her before we got out of the woods because she wouldn’t have stayed near us then. That experience was what led me to take her in the woods so many times back here in Chapel Hill, near Seawell Elementary school.

BABE SMELLED BAD IN PENNSYLVANIA…  She escaped from the car at gas station when I accidentally left the door open while pumping gas (on one of the trips to New York) and she ran circles around the large convenience store part of the station until she found somee kind of dead animal in the adjacent field and then rolled in whatever was there, making her stink very badly. (She always wanted to come back to me in thses kinds of situations, but not until after she had had her fun.) When Babe and I got to Gettysburg to meet up with my brother and his family, she stunk up their van (I left my car in Gettysburg) all the way to Norwich.

—-She doesn’t love chasing balls or swimming

—-She stayed in many motels on the way to Norwich. The last 4-5 years we stayed in the Best Value Inn in Gettysburg every time we went up.  We drove through the battlefield a few times, and at least one time she got out with me and walked around the sites at dusk.  For her, of course, it was just another place to smell the outdoor smells. She didn’t know Robert E. Lee from my next door neighbor.

SOME OF THE MANY OTHER PLACES SHE WENT WITH ME OVER THE YEARS…  Baseball games (we stood outside the fence), to a Christmas party at Ericas, to basketball courts while I was playing (and to tennis courts), and to friend’s houses. She was once invited to stay at stranger’s  birthday party at Umstead park (because the family liked her when they met her that day as we passed by them). She went to Weaver St Market with me for movie discussion group meetings, and sat in the car many times with me while I ate after getting take out.

Every year for quite a few years, I took Babe with me  to the Fall Fest at the end of August, an event on campus that was mostly intended to welcome incoming freshmen. It’s on the Sunday night before classes start. The big marching band marches down South Road and plays fight songs—-after which the various coaches and players make speeches. Babe was always very good and pretty placid, especially considering all the noise. It was another time I was glad to have her with me, especially since no one wanted to go with me.

GETTING MORE FOCUSED…  She finally started laying down on command months after easily learning to sit when I told her to.  I learned that I just had to asssertively tell her to lay down and also point at the floor.  She also learned to stay (or “wait” while walking on the leash), but she wasn’t always 100% on that command.

ANOTHER THOUGHT ABOUT THE LONG TRIP…  She thought she could jump out through cracked open window at red light while I was driving through Virginia on our first trip to Norwich.  She couldn’t do it because I certainly didn’t have the window down far enough for her to do it, but she did want out. I stopped many extra times to let her stretch whenever we made the trip, but on that first trip she wasn”t as patient and content as she was on future trips.  I always took her with me because I didn’t want to leave her in a kennel for 7-10 days.

STARING AT ME…  She has very expressive eyes, especially when staring at me for cues and clues to what’s going on—and when trying to figure out what I’m  thinking.  My Mom always loved the way she stared at me for attention, answers, cues, or to try to get me to do something for her.

A BAD IDEA…  I threw her in the pool at Mill Creek apartments because I thought she’d love swimming. She sunk and then thrashed to the side. I felt really bad. She could certainly swim, but didn’t seem to like it. She would romp through shallow creeks and streams, though.

THE FIRST DAY…  The first day I had her with me after getting her at the shelter I took her on a long walk to get more supplies and she eventually layed down in the grass to rest on a sunny day in April.  (I had no car then.)  

A NOTE ABOUT CARS… My friend Tony won the National Holler’in contest in June 1999 (he got to go David Letterman because the shows producers apparently thought it was quite folksy and entertaining to watch grown men holler).  It must have been the next year, in 2000, that I took Babe with me to the event in tiny very rural Spivey’s Corners in Sampson County.  Val and George very generously gave me George’s parent’s car, a big white ’91 Buick sometime in early 2000 (I registered it in May 2000,  after driving it around for a few months with the Georgia plates still on it). That was the car I drove to Spivey’sCorner in. The downside about the old car was that it had no AC and was sort of a very conventional looking family car (the odometor was stuck somewhere over 100 or 150,000 miles—but the car had a great engine). The huge upside was that it enabled me to get around town, up to Norwich, and to places like the Holler’in contest.

I hadn’t had Babe for very long at the time of the trip. I got her in April ’99 and we went on this trip in June 2000.  She was high strung as a youngster, so taking her out into a crowd at the contest wasn’t going to be easy. I think it may have been her first trip in the car outside of town (an 80 mile trip each way).  She pulled me a lot once we got out of the car, but she stayed pretty still after we sat down in front of the stage to listen. I was afraid she might bark or howl when the contestants did their very loud hollers, but she didn’t.  Tony didn’t win that year, but it was cool to hear the quirky old time hollers (designed in the old days to call people to dinner, or signal distress, things like that).  It was one of those times I was extra glad to have Babe because she provided sweet companionship on a day when no one wanted to go to a Holler’in contest with me. I vaguely remember wondering whether she’d be good in the car for that long—but she was calm , as always, while riding. Whenever I took her anywhere in that car, if we were going slow, I put the window down some in the back so she could stick her nose out (I put it way down so her whole head was out when were going slower in the city limits). She loved that.

In Fall 2005, the Buick caught on fire in my parking lot in the middle of the night. It was a small electrical fire that went out by itself. It was a small fire, but unfortunately enough to kill the car. I didn’t have time to be sentimental because I was a couple of months into dialysis, which meant I really needed a car more than ever. I waited until December to get a dark green Pontiac Sunfire up in Norwich at the Chevy dealer my parents have gone to for years (the dealership is still owned by a big round fast talking guy named Tom Morone—a guy who seemed larger than life to me as a kid). It was a much nicer car (kind of sporty), but it was a two door with no window that would open in the back, so Babe couldn’t stick her head out. The Pontiac was great for me and Babe (I still have it), but  I really do have a soft spot for that big old Buick, partly because I got it soon after me and Babe got together.

SCARY ACCIDENTS…  She ate rat poison that had been left in the bottom of the garbage inside a closet.  Someone suggested using the stupid crap, but no one knew that they made the stuff very attractive smelling so that unsuspecting non-targeted animals like cats and dogs were very aggressive about finding any of it that might be leftover in the box, even if the box was hidden away.  She quickly thrived again after being treated and given the antedote. (I panicked and rushed her to clinic after I realized what she had done.)  She ate chocolate twice at my parent’s house (it was wrapped and left under the Christmas tree— none of us knew it was there). It wasn’t enough to harm her.

FOOD ADVENTURES…  She ran around with a Ham (it was either ham or some other big piece of meat) in her mouth at my parent’s house while my Mom chased her.  My parents accidentally left the enticing ham in a place where it was very tempting for Babe to grab.

She once went in the house next to my friend’s house (on a trip to Atlanta) through an open front door (after escaping through Val’s open garage door). After casually entering the stranger’s house, she ate the dog food she found in the bowl at the end of their front hallway. (The homeowner wasn’t mad. He thought it was funny.) I always ultimately thought her food snatching was funny because it was funny, and because it was random and, relatively speaking, it didn’t happen very often, I rarely ever was mad at Babe.  I was frustrated at myself (for not being able to mitigate behavior) and with her when I had to chase her, but only angrywith her  maybe once in eleven years.

TAKING WALKS…  As she got older, she would try laying down at the end of a walk when we turned toward home in order to try and get me to stay outside longer, no matter how long the walk was. I regularly took her for walks around the neighborhood, around a pond at a park in Carrboro, on Bolin Creek trail—-and, of course, in the woods.  If we were on a walk near water, especially a lake, she enjoyed stopping and sitting next to me to enjoy the sights, the sounds, and the fresh smells.

Special Note about walks:    I took her to Jordan Lake on  Sunday 3/14, three days before her last day.  I think that was our most enjoyable day of her last week with me. We walked along the lake on about a 65 degree breezy day. She walked enthuisatically on the leash and then we went back to the loading/unloading dock and sat there in the sun and watched people bring their boats in. Babe sat there next to me with her chin up, ears blowing back in the breeze, taking in all the smells, sounds, and sights. That was a good day for me and her. It reminded me very much of the many normal days in her life during a week that wasn’t normal.

The last week I also took her to the place in Carrboro where I often got burritos, over the past 4-5 years especially. As we had done many times before, she’d waited for me in the car— and then, after I ate in the front seat while she sat in the back, we took a walk on the paved trail that ended at that parking lot. We walked on the path past the cemetary and down about 100 yards and then back. I think that was Tuesday night. Again, it gave me a temporary sense of normalcy.

The night before going out to eat we went to Rec softball game on campus. She walked a pretty long way with me from the car, but I had Nestor wait with her after the game while I went to get the car because she didn’t seem to want to walk that far again.

NEW FRIENDS FOR BABE…  I bought a house in April 2007 (the same place where I had been living in the basement since 1994).  I bought it from my landlady, Pat, when she moved out in 2007.  Dana and Tristin moved in upstairs as tentants (I stayed in the basement to save money) in August of that year.  They had a very young (but strong) Pit Bull, named Rock.  We all got to know each other pretty quickly (though I did keep my distance in some ways so they wouldn’t feel infringed upon by their landlord).  The three of us became friends.  They started coming downstairs to do their laundry while I was at work, so they brought Babe upstairs to play with Rock while they finished with their task. The funny thing was that Babe more than held her own when she and Rock played with each other. She held her own because she was still healthy and strong at an older age (she was nine in 2007). Rock is a VERY nice funny dog, but he is also young and hyper and very strong—-and yet  Babe was physically able to put him in his place when she needed to.  Dana and Tristan also helped me walk Babe when I had to come home late. They and Rock defintely became a part of Babe’s life.

OLD FRIENDS…  My friend’s Andrew and Matt are the two Chapel Hill people who spent the most time with Babe.  My good friend Andrew was playing tennis with me three days after I got Babe.   The first time I heard Babe bark was that day at the tennis court. The people in my family (Tim, Chris, big Allie, little Allie, Jason, Jeff, Janet, Mom & Dad, Ainsley, Hayden) have probably spent more time with Babe than anyone but me (because I’ve taken her to Norwich so many times). My parents know her especially well because she stays at their house when we go up there.  They really like Babe a lot. Even my Mom, who is generally not a dog lover, cares a lot about Babe.

—-As many dogs do, she thought the garbage pail was just another thing for her to eat out of.

—-She rubbed up against me for a long time when she greeted me after I got home from work, first one side of her and then turning around and rubbing the other side against me, sort of leaning on me at the same time. The only time she did this was when I had been gone for an extended period, which was the vast majority of weekdays.

—She often layed on her side against the wall next to the front door and against the wall in the bedroom.

—I may have mentioned this already?  When she could hear the siren of an ambulance or fire truck or police car when she was out on the patio, she would howl a very gutteral sound, like a coyote. It was so primal and amazing to witness.

—-When she wanted to come back in from the patio, she would bark just once to let me know she needed to come back in. It charmed because it was as if she knew that she only needed to bark once to communicate her wish to me.

—She was very regal when she sat straight up outside, looking around at blowing leaves, cars on the distant street, spuirrels, whatever—-and, of course, she was smelling the smells within range of her sensitive nose.

—-She waited at the door if I was late getting home.

—-She is very good with children—-very gentle and accepting of children’s desire to touch and grab at her.

—She’s always been very heathly and beautiful. People kept calling her puppy even as she got older.

—Very sweet in general. She would sit in front of me (and others) and bury her head in my chest and then get a head massage from me.

—-She’s not a lap dog (though she did sometimes gradually get her big self right up into the lap of someone new to the scene on a perticular day— in particular my Dad, and Matt, and Andrew).  She’s very affectionate, but once the physical part of greeting people has run it’s course, she would generally rather be petted and be near people, rather than actually being on top of them somehow.  In other words, her affectionate and sweet nature is combined with an independent streak.  As she got older, she became a little more more casual about greetings, not always paying attention to every person or dog like she did when she was younger.  When she got sick lately (with the cancer), her enthusiasm level, as would be expected, dropped quite a bit—-though it came back in spurts, like when I took her to Jordan Lake. When I took her to a softball game last night (on Monday-6 days after diagnoses), she was subdued with other people, but was perky on the walk to the game from the car.

GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE…  My friends/neighbors Connie and Scott helped me with her when she was very young.  One day, soon after she started living with me,  Babe ended up waiting for me outside on my patio when I got home, all wet from rain, after getting out from inside the house. Connie had called me at work to tell me Babe had gotten out.  Quite surprisingly, Babe had figured out how to open the sliding glass door by herself. The old door had a lever that pulled up to lock and pulled down to unlock it (from the inside).  She figured out how to paw aggressively at the lever site  until the door opened a crack. She’d then put her snout in the opening and force the door open far enough to get out. (I saw how she did it because I purposely watched her do it after she got out the first time.)  I started blocking the door with a chair when I left once I realized she had figured out how to open it.  She was so smart, though. If I slipped up just a fraction in securing the door, then she would sometimes take advantage of it.  I was very alarmed that she was so interested in getting out of the house. I knew I needed to figure out how to calm her down so she felt more settled inside.

EARLY ANXIETY…  A big part of the reason Babe wanted to get out was that she had a big problem with Separation Anxiety (she didn’t like it when I left her alone).  The first day I got home after going to work the apartment was trashed. Babe had chewed on books, ripped at the carpet, and had started to ruin the curtains.  She even did something minor to her paw or leg while thrashing around, which made her limp for a few days. I suspect she hurt herself while she was trying to get the door open. I also suspect she ended up in the shelter because of this behavior. I went to the Vet to get initial check up things done, and also to talk with them about her destructive behavior. That’s when they told me the problem was Separation Anxiety. They showed me a video of other dogs doing much worse things than Babe had done. They talked about the possibility of taking pills (which I immediately vetoed), but they couldn’t really give me any good solution.  I was still at a loss for what to do, but I wasn’t going to give up until I figured it out. A few times I took her to work with me out of desperation.  (The second time I took her with me a campus police woman approached me to tell me I couldn’t have her at work.)  

A SIDE NOTE:   Once I figured out how to block the door, she primarily only got out through the door while I was home.  It didn’t happen a whole lot, but did happen sometimes when I was in another room, especially if I was on the phone. I don’t know why that was, but she sometimes took me being on the phone as a cue to try and open the door. In those cases, she didn’t push her way outside because of anxiety.  It was simply because she wanted to run around and have fun!  I usually got her back inside pretty quickly (within 5-20  minutes), but a couple of times she was picked up by strangers when she got out of my sight before I could get to her (as I’ve said, she was a very fast runner).  She was taken to my Vet the first time (because of the Vet being listed on her collar). When she arrived at the Vet’s office, she had mud all over her from whatever big time adventure she had gotten into. She was also dropped off by someone at the shelter one time.  She would have always come back home eventually on her own, but not right away.  I certainly wasn’t going to let her roam around until she felt like coming back. It was obviously not good for her to be roaming around the neighborhood (or beyond) looking for random adventures with trash bins and whatever else caught her eye.  I always rushed to get her back inside as soon as possible. (The two times she actually got picked up were when she got loose while I was at work.) She did also get snagged once by a very nice young woman in my litlle neighborhood who works at Fosters. She took Babe home and called me to tell me where she was.  She really liked Babe. She and I still talk about Babe when I go in Fosters.

SOFTENING THE ANXIETY…  A couple of weeks later, after being given a great suggestion by a co-worker (Mary Stone), I eventually solved the anxiety problem.  I tried doing what Mary suggested and figured out that if I went out the front of the apartment (where she couldn’t actually see me leave), then she didn’t freak out anymore.  It didn’t make sense that this new way of leaving would solve the problem—afterall, I was still leaving the house.  For some reason, though, not being able to actually witness me leaving completely eased Babe’s anxiety regarding my departure. I was thrilled that she wasn’t going semi-bonkers anymore!  The only problem with the new plan was that my basement apartment only had one entrance/exit, so in order to leave through the front  I had to boost myself up to the bedroom window by getting on top of my dresser, then catapult myself  through the window and into the window well— and then finally pull myself up over the top of the window well.  Fortunately, I got very good at doing it. It became quite easy to do.  It simply became part of my routine—and didn’t really bother me (it generally bothered me that I didn’t have a front door, but that had nothing to do with Babe). I obviously didn’t go out that way when Babe came with me!  And, I obviously didn’t come back in the house that way. 

OUT THROUGH THE WINDOW…  As I’ve said, she got out less and less over time, but still enough to make me nervous and frustrated.  Now when she got out it was only because she wanted to run around. It was no longer because of any anxiety issues!  By the way, in the rare times when people saw me emerge from out of the window well, I’d sometimes sheepishly say, “I do this because of my dog.”  They’d just nod and walk away. I suspected my first neighbors laughed at me when they saw me do it. I don’t blame them.

As time went by, I eventually didn’t have to block the door with a chair anymore.  I did, though, keep going out the front window. And then, many years later, I was finally able to afford to put in a whole new door.  Only recently, though, did I stop going out the front window. I kept doing for it awhile when it probably wasn’t neccessary because I didn’t want her to possibly bark if I left the conventional way. In any case, I finally stopped going out through the window.

MATURING…  As she got older and more mature, she calmed down considerably.  From about age four or five onward (especially after she got to be 8 or 9 or 10 onward), she began to enjoy laying around the house like a regal Queen.  She would also sit still outside (or lay down) near the patio on a chain for long periods of time  in a regal pose, just looking at the movement of far off cars or nearby birds and squirrels, just peacefully taking in the scene like a doggy Bhudda. The escapes and other misadventures almost entirely ended as she settled into an older kind of wisdom and calmer maturity.  She did still bolt very rarely in her older years, but only if there was a door left wide open in front of her. She has, though, always maintained her general enthusiasm, vibrancy, and the desire for outdoor adventures (supervised) and exercise.

Other than her well chronicled goofy escapes from home and the car (mostly when younger) and her random eating misbehaviors throughout her life, Babe became  attentive and well behaved.  She sat, layed down, and generally did what she was told to do.

WHAT I LOVED ABOUT BABE…  Whether Babe was in her sometimes crazy and erratic early years or her more mature middle and later years, the consistent thing was that Babe was sweet and vibrant and expressive and athletic.  She was a beautiful sweet dog. She and I developed a relationship that was durable and highly enjoyable. I loved her dearly.  I loved her beauty, her gentleness, her playfulness, the way she stared at me, the way she layed next to me in bed, the way she wrestled with me when she was younger, the way she layed down so calmly when it was time to relax. I guess her combination of gentleness and sweetness, along with vibrancy and spirit was what I enjoyed  the most about her personality.  I loved how she’d come over and lick me on the arm when she wanted something, the way she nuzzled me when she wanted me to massage her head and neck. I loved the way she’d roll over and lay on her back, and the times she’d lay next to me on the couch when we were both relaxing. I loved her ability to find the most comfortable couch or chair in a room and lay down as serenly as Ghandi. What I ultimately loved, though, was how we grew together and stuck with each other through all of our separate challenges over the eleven years we were together. We spent A LOT of time together in the car, on the patio, at friend’s houses, at the park, the woods, and so many other places. I loved her companionship. I was lucky to spend so much time with such a fun and loveable dog.

VERY HEALTHY… As I’ve said, until very recently, Babe was always very healthy.  She once cut her paw on some ice; she had unwelcome bouts of dihherea about once a year; and she had to have a tooth extracted about six months ago. Those are the only health problems I remember (other than the rat poison incident, which never actually led to any overt symptoms). She has an UNBELIEVABLE appetite. I see other dogs leave food in their dish, and I laugh.  Babe has NEVER done that. I truly believe that if she was left alone with a bag of dog food, she might eat the whole bag. I’ve never seen her not willing and able to eat. At my friend’s Christmas party, she started eating out of their compost pile in the back yard.  She’s had lots of adventures with food.

SLEEPING…  I’ve always let her get on any of the furniture.  During the day, if she lays down (other than on the floor), she alternates between being on the couch and on my bed. At night, she mostly sleeps on the couch. She sleeps in my bed if it’s cold.  The very first night I had her she slept with her head on my chest, but that was the only time she did that. When she’s  in my bed at night, she sleeps at the bottom of the bed.

STAYING FOR THE WEEKEND…  She once stayed with my friend Lindsey for the weekend. It was the only time I had her stay overnight at a friend’s house. When I was away for short periods, she usually stayed at kennels. Lindsey and her housemates loved Babe despite her eating a loaf of bread left out on the counter. (I didn’t know how to train her to avoid exposed food; I didn’t have to deal with it at my place because I so rarely had food stocked in any big numbers.) I always apologized to people and tried to prevent the food snatching.  My friends were never mad at her because they knew she was acting on instinct. I was the one at fault because I didn’t push myself to train her to not to steal food that was left out at other people’s houses. By the way, she never grabbed food from people or begged. She only grabbed food when it was left unattended.

HER DOG FRIENDS…  She played with the frisky Dalmation next door when she was younger, and Rock (from upstairs) when older. She also played a lot with Matty (my brother’s dog) when we were in Norwich.  Babe loved to wrestle, especially when she was younger.  She often used her front legs as leverage to move her playmate around by geting up on on her hind legs and using the front legs almost like a kangaroo or a human wrestler would.  Matty did not often want to play as long as Babe wanted to.  She was a more apt to want to be off in her own world. By the way…Babe really liked my parent’s big house, and she liked having a lot of people around. She especially liked Mattie being around.

DIDN’T WANT HER TO STAY THERE…  When I left her at a kennel in Norwich that I decided I had a bad feeling about, I turned around two minutes after I let her off and drove back to take her out of the place.  It was awkward because the owner was a friend of my family.  She called my Dad and asked to talk with me. I lied and didn’t tell her that I thought her place was inadequate and kind of dirty.

SPECIAL TREATMENT FROM COURTNEY…  Courtney, the owner of a new innovative kennel in Norwich, let Babe sleep in her trailer with her because Babe didn’t like sleeping with the other dogs when she was younger.

ENTHUSIASM…  Lots of people love her because she’s enthusiastic and vibrant while still be very gentle and loving with everyone she meets. Her tail wags constantly when walking outside.  When she greeted ANYONE who was in her prescence she wagged her tail violently and sat in ftont of them to get them to pet her (or she tried to sit in their lap if they encouraged her). She acted as if greeting them was the best thing that had ever happened to her.

LIKED TO RIDE…  When I had a four door car, I would leave the back window down enough so she could stick her nose and part of her head out the window when riding in town. She looked at and smelled EVERYTHING. She always rode in the back, except for one time on the trip to Norwich (I think the first trip) when I tried to calm her nerves by having her sit next to me.

In general, when she was nervous and panting, with her tounge sticking out, I quietly made a shhhh sound to calm her down, or rubbed her neck. 

PRIMAL SOUND…  When she heard the loud high pitched sound of a siren on nearby Airport Road, she howled like a coyote, her snout raised straight up in the air.

—-She ran upstairs when I yelped after cutting myself shaving because she didn’t like to see or hear  me upset.

AT EASE WITH PEOPLE…  She’s very comfortable with any person, approaching them easily and showing them her love for them. She lays down near people in order to be with them— and doesn’t mind if people step over her as they move back and forth around the room. She would let any child or any person pet her, or do anything else they wanted to do with her ( playing with her ears or paws or whatever else).  She was very gentle and accepting with everyone.

REPORT CARD… When one kennel she stayed in gave me a report card for her after her stay (I had been in Williamsburg VA for Thanksgiving 2009) , they wrote SWEET in the Comment section.  I thought it was funny when they wrote EXCELLENT in the column regarding appetite. 

THE FIRST PHYSICAL REMINDERS THAT BABE WAS GETTING OLDER…  In the fall of 2009, Babe was approximately twelve years old.  But… she was still vibrant, athletic, and beautiful. She had white coloring around her snout, but otherwise she showed none of the signs of aging that I’ve seen in many other dogs her age.

In September 2009, I took Babe to the Vet because she had a lot of swelling around her eye. They told me that it was because of a problem with a toothe, which was causing infection and the subsequent swelling.  The extreme toothe decay was the first tangible sign that she was aging. We had the toothe removed on Oct 1.  After wobbling around for a couple of hours because of the anesthetic, everything was totally fine.

The other sign of aging came at the same visit.  When they weighed her, we found out that she was 82 pounds, approximately ten pounds more than she had been a year earlier. I had been taking Babe on shorter walks for a few years (and going to the woods less often), mostly because I had been on dialysis for three years and then had the  kidney transplant in January 2009. I just didn’t feel up to as much physical acitivity during that time. Babe, though, was still able and willing to walk as far as ever when I felt up to it!  Anyway…the weight gain was certainly partly because of the shorter walks (and because I was sometimes feeding her more), but I don’t think she would have gained that much when she was younger.

After the September weigh in, I put her on higher quality diet food, walked her more and fed her less, and she started losing weight almost right away. By December she weighed about seventy pounds, which was great!  She was vibrant and energized (though certainly slightly less so than during her younger years). We went on our usual trip to New York in December and it all went fine. I took her for a walk in the snowy woods around Chenango Lake and she bounded ahead of me as usual.

But, she did seem sluggish pretty soon after we got back to Chapel Hill. The winter was colder, snowier, and rainier than usual— so I didn’t walk her as often as I had in the fall. I thought that might be why she was sluggish in Jan. and Feb.  (In retrospect, since the tumor probably started growing 2-3 months before the diagnosis on March 9th, it’s probable  that Babe was already showing the earliest subtle signs of fatigue related to the cancer in January and February.)  

In early February I took her to Pet Smart to let her walk around inside. I wanted her to be able to have some fun walking around inside a store, which she obviously wouldn’t usually be able to do.  As I’ve said, I just felt like she was somewhat sluggish and maybe a little bored or depressed. As we walked around, I noticed that they also groomed dogs in the back of the store.  Babe had gotten bathes during the years, but her coat had always been naturally vibrant and clean. She had never been groomed!  In fact, over the years, people had always asked me what special shampoo I used. I told them…”I don’t bathe her myself unless she gets into something weird in the woods. Her great coat is all natural.”  In any case, I decided to have her groomed as a treat for her.

It wasn’t that I was thinking…Oh, she’s old now, so I need to pamper her.  But, like I’ve said, I did have this nagging feeling that something was off with her that winter.  As I said earlier in the passage above…I think her subtle change in behavior was because of  a harsher winter, the accompanying shorter walks, and her getting a little older. I now know, though, that in January and February she was probably showing the first signs of periodic fatigue from the cancer.

 

DIAGNOSIS, SHOCK, MAKING DECISIONS, SOME MORE GOOD TIMES, AND HAVING TO LET HER GO…

I started to think there might be something  more seriously off about Babe at the end of February. As time went by in February, it became more evident that whe was either bored or a little depressed. 

For a week or so toward the end of the month, she wasn’t getting as excited about things as easily as she usually would; but, as I had earlier in the month, I just thought she was bored because the weather had been bad and I wasn’t taking her on long walks as often as usual.  By the way, I also had one other suspician regarding her new lack of spunk. She had started walking a little oddly for  about a year, sort of looser around the lower leg, making her gait kind of strange—so I thought that might be another reason why she was a little less energetic. She wasn’t limping at all, and wasn’t walking any slower, but I still  thought she might have a touch of arthritis or something.  In retrospect, I don’t think that had anything to do with what was going on. I don’t think there was anything wrong with her legs.  She was just walking slightly different because of some natural change in her gait.

I remember the last time I took her to the woods (sometime during the last half of February). She walked fairly briskly that day on the trail, but she was always behind me, which was VERY unusual. As we wallked, I wondered why she was behind me.  But again, though I was concerned, I didn’t attribute it to anything serious.  I’m now sure that her behavior that day was partly related to the cancer.

 Then, 1-2 weeks after the walk in the woods, I took her to the park (on the weekend of March 6th and 7th) , When we arrived, she paid absolutely no attention to the other dogs in the park. I quicklytook her out of there because I didn’t want to keep her someplace where she didn’t want to be. As an alternative, I took her on a long walk around the large wooded area adjacent to the dog park.  Unexpectedly, she stopped and layed down in the middle of the walk. Stopping in the middle of walk was extremly unusual, even given her recent lowered energy. When I got her back to the parking lot, she stopped again and sat in place. I decided to experiment and just let go of the leash. When she didn’t bolt to run around off the leash, I was very concerned and perplexed.

My parents arrived for a visit the next day, and I told them I was wondering what was going on with Babe’s energy level. That night, half way through another walk,  she lay down again about halfway through the walk.  I had to really, really coax her to walk back to the house, actually picking her big body up at one point. “Something’s up with her. Something’s wrong,” I told my Mom and Dad when Babe and I got back. I was now concerned and scared. I decided to take her in the next morning to my long time Vet facility, at the Animal Hospital in Carrboro.  I thought I’d just make an appointment and also get her weight taken. I wanted to get her weight taken because I couldn’t understand why her belly had grown larger recently. I hadn’t changed her food consumption at all, so it was a mystery.  I mostly, though, wanted to talk about the lack of energy on the walks and the lack of spunk. Speaking of spunk…I should add that all through this period…it was periodic times of lower energy.  She would also be her usual energetic and bouncy self…that’s part of why it was mysterious.

They ended up being able to get us in ten minutes after I got there. They were immediately concerned about the size of her belly. I hadn’t thought  it was a bigger acute health issue because it was protruding on both sides.  I thought it was simply weight gain, possibly because she hadn’t been walking as far. I thought too that she might have been getting into Rock’s food when Dana and Tristan took Babe upstairs. Rock was always leaving food in his bowl.

The doctor said, though, that they were afraid Babe might have some kind of  a growth in her abdomen. I obviously had no idea anything like that might be going on!  They said they needed to do an ultra sound and call me with the results. Tragically, the test showed that she had this fast moving horrible cancer.  The tumor was on her spleen and was going to spread at some point, and could also bleed if the tumor ruptured. The vast size of it could also start pressing on other organs (probably already was pressing), including her stomach, making it difficult for her to digest food. It was also clear that it was the growth that had been making her lethargic on her walks.  It was draining her energy and probably causing discomfort some of the time when she walked (because the tumor pressed on things inside as her body swayed back and forth). The doctor said she wasn’t in pain at that point…just uncomfortable, which was bad enough.  After talking for quite a long time talking with the doctor, I was confused about whether to have the tumor removed. Removing it wouldn’t prolong her life more than about a month or so.  It would only give her very temporary relief from the discomfort the pressing of the tumor was causing. The disease was essentially  untreatable. Removing the tumor would give temporary physical relief but would not get rid of the cancer. It would still spread quickly. Chemo after removal was also a possibility, but it would only potentially add 5-8 months to her life . It was in no way a cure or something that would eliminate the spread of the cancer or the eventual internal bleeding.

After I finished talking with the doctor, I took Babe home.  I had cried in the office. I now cried in the car.  I was in shock.  My parents came over from their motel and we talked and talked and talked. Actually I talked and they mostly listened. After talking a long time with my parents, listening to them, and thinking about it from every angle, I decided not to put Babe through the surgery and all the chemo. It seemed to me that prolonging things through the hardship of surgery and recovery  wasn’t a good idea. The doctor had told me there was no guarantee that Babe would make it through surgery or that she wouldn’t suddenly get much worse one day soon after surgery. The chemo treatment and added recoveries from that seemed equally inappropriate.  Giving her an undetermined and short lived amount of additional time (that probably wasn’t going to be real true quality time) was something that might give me comfort (because of maybe having her with me longer), but it didn’t make any sense in terms of Babe’s well being.  The best case scenerio with removal alone was 3-4 weeks. As I said, the Chemo could be prolong her for a matter of some months, but there were absolutely no guarantees.

 It was very good that my parents were visiting me when this happened. I babbled to them endlessly for the rest of the day about Babe and about my fear and anxiety, and about my profound sadness over this incredibly sudden horrible news.  We talked more about whether I had made the right decision in deciding to not remove the tumor. After hearing all the details and reading more about this particular cancer (called the “silent killer”) on the internet, they said they thought I was doing the right thing. In subsequent conversations, my friends who knew Babe also thought I was right to take her home with me and keep her happy as long as I possibly could.  I will say, though, that I don’t think there is a “right” thing to do.  I think every person has to respond to cues from their dog, drawing on the bond you’ve developed with them. I did my best to make loving decisions that I thought made sense for Babe—both physically and emotionally.

Two days after taking Babe home, I called the doctor and told him what I had decided to do. He told me that my decision was perfectly understandable.  We discussed what I should look for as I kept track of Babe’s behavior and wellness. He said, “It’s all about reacting to her now. If she starts to not be able to eat because she can’t digest, or if she just doesn’t want to move, then you need to bring her in and we can talk about letting her go.”  The thought of watching Babe deteriorate at some point was horrify and made me very anxious and scared, but I was also glad to have her home with me—and I was ready to be with her for as long as possible.

 I began the process of spending lots of time with Babe and keeping track of  how she was doing. The doctor told me the time table for what might happen was unpredictable. But I knew from what he told me and from what I read on the internet that things could go bad fairly quickly. As I said, that fact was making me very nervous and scared. I hoped I would settle down after a couple of days (and I did to some extent because she was doing okay considering the circumstances).  It was now time to wait and react to what I saw in her behavior. The terrible dilemma was that I had to make sure I didn’t overreact to some change, but also not wait too long if it seemed neccessary at some point to let her go. I knew that letting her go was going to happen eventually because the cancer wasn’t going to get better. That was a very terrifying thought. I began telling all my friends what was going on. Between bouts of crying and despair, I managed to keep an even keel and be with Babe in a way that would be fun and comforting for her—and hopefully for me.

The week Babe spent with me after the diagnoses was very hard for me, but also very good because she and I have spent lots of time together—going to the lake, going for rides in the car, going for walks, and just hanging out.  She’s had definite bouts of low energy and a general lack of spunk, but was mostly her usual self in other ways. It was very good for me to be able to spend lots of time with her. Each moment was precious. Her appetite never changed during the week!  I was happy about that. She ran and jumped a little, and generally moved around pretty well.  I took her to the Jordan Lake twice and to a recreational softball game where my co-workers were playing. We had a lot of enjoyable moments, many of them were quiet moments at home just looking at each other and communicating by gestures and nods and through my silly banter and her responses. I watched her like a hawk to be sure I didn’t see signs that she was getting way worse. Being a sprited dog, I think she was probably more tired and uncomfortable than she was letting on.  As each day went by, I began to relax because she and I were basically doing many of the things we always did, just at a slower pace. I had Dana and Tristan check on her during the day. I also ame home from work early to ease my fears about her getting worse while I was gone. I was thrilled every day when I got home and saw she was okay. I was terrified she would take a sudden unexpected turn for the worse while I was at work.  Work, by the way, was another consideration when I considered what to do about the possibility of doing surgery to remove the tumor.  I had used most of my leave time the previous year when I had a kidney transplant. I was very afraid that, even with help, I wouldn’t be able to spend enough time with Babe during the intense recovery days after surgery.

After spending lots of time with her in the days since the diagnoses, everything caught up with Babe on Wednesday March 17th, eight days after I found out she had cancer.  She had seemed okay when I got home from work on that Wednesday, but she got very tired after a walk near Jordan Lake.  When we got to an isolated spot on the lake (at a secluded place where locals fish), I let Babe off the leash so she could be free to walk where she wanted to. I didn’t expect her to walk briskly, but she walked even slower than I had expected. I walked out in front of her in order to give her room to do what she wanted to. She usually would have caught up to me and passed me in order to stay ahead of me. Instead, she lingered way behind me.  As I said, I wanted her to be very free to walk at her own pace, so I didn’t coax her to catch up.  She followed me, sniffing at things like she always does, and meandering around to check out things she spotted along the lake front, all the typical things she’d do to enjoy herself.  She was, though, walking at a very slow pace, which really worried me. I waited for her on the wide pathway which led back back to the car. She slowly caught up to me and then momentarily acted like she wanted to stay outside, the ways she always would.  But this time she relented and let me lead her to the car, as if she knew she didn’t have the energy to walk around much longer.

When we got in the car to leave, she got in the front passenger seat (which she never did), as if she didn’t want to make the jump into the back.  That worried me too. As I started down the road, she was very lethargic, leaning against the back of the seat, seeming very uncomfortable. I almost stopped at a Vet hospital we passed because I knew my Vet was already closed at that time (about 5:30).  I regretted having a long way to drive to get back home (we had driven about eight miles out of town) because I wanted to get her back home quicklyand see if she’d be okay there. I wass very panicky, repeating to her over and over again that “we’ll be home soon Babe.” When I did finally get home to my parking lot, she didn’t want to move. I opened the door on her side of the car and she sprawled out on the seat, just laying there. I put my hand under her head because it was almost off the seat. I knew then I needed to take her to the emergency clinic.  It was the only place still opened. I didn’t want to take her like this, though, because she was so akwardly positioned on the seat. I couldn’t really close the door or get her into the back where she’d be way more comfortable. I tried going to my neighbor’s door (Dana & Tristans) but no one was home.  When I got back to the car, she was still laying there, which indicated she had very little energy. She usually would have taken the opportunity to get out of the car through the open door, especially after I walked out of sight to go to Dana’s door. I was now frantic.  I asked a random girl who pulled up if I could use her cell phone and she said it wasn’t working. Fortunately, Dana pulled into the parking lot right then. I told her what was going on and we decided to lift Babe out of my car and put her in the back seat of Dana’s four door car. Babe was able to gingerly walk the short distance and then we helped her up onto the back seat. I called my long time friend Dana (another Dana) and left her a message that I was going to the hospital. She had offered to be with me when any emergency occurred—and I really wanted her support.  She was already there when we got to the hospital.

Here’s the raw fact, straight out….At about 8:15 , we had to put Babe to sleep.  After them examining her and then talking with me for a long time (and me talking alone with both Danas), I decided that I should let her go that night.   I cried and my voice squeaked as I talked to the doctor about what to do. There was no way she was in shape to be taken back home. i was told that she had probably started to bleed from the huge tumor. The apparent bleeding was causing her to be more and more tired.  And, the huge size of the tumor was causing her a lot of discomfort, if not outright pain. The reality also was that all of these things were going to get worse. The size of the tumor and the bleeding was going to cause her more and more discomfort and pain. In addition to her profound tiredness, she also threw up a little in the back exam room, which was something they had told me to look for because it meant that she was having a hard time digesting food. The tumor was so large that it was pushing on her stomach—and other organs too.

I’ve read stories written by people who keep their dogs at home until they die naturally (as long as the dogs aren’t in a lot of pain). I just couldn’t do that. I didn’t think I would know how much pain she was in if I was home alone with her. Plus, I was afraid that if I took her home she’ could die while I was sleeping or while I was away from the house.  The idea of her dying alone  horrified me beyond belief. I had to be able to say goodbye to her. I couldn’t bear the thought of her being at home exhausted and being in pain. I was afraid that her survival instinct would keep her going beyond what was healthy for her. In other words, the thought of taking her home scared me, and I didn’t think it was right for her. I don’t think she had the energy to even get from the office to the car. All I can say is that I believed that letting her go there, with me with her, was the right thing to do.  She was exhausted, and the tumor was clearly gigantic, and most likely bleeding.  The doctor said he agreed that the discomfort and intense lethergy and apparent bleeding meant something should be done that night. He clearly, though, left it up to me to decide what to do. I had always been consumed by the desire to do what I thought was best for her, to protect her, and to be aware of what I thought she wanted in any given situation. I tried to do the same thing now.

The Danas stayed with me and Babe for a few minutes after the doctor left the room, and then I stayed with Babe for a long time by myself. (I don’t want to write on here about what I said to her and how I interacted with her—-I want it to remain personal). After a long while,  the doctor knocked and came in and I stayed in the room with Babe while he gave her the two injections. I rubbed her and told her I loved her. I told her that I hoped she had done most of the things she wanted to do in her life.

Before the doctor came in, I coaxed Babe to lay down on the thin white blanket they had put out on the floor.  After she layed down, she was even lower energy. She was very still.  I think maybe me coaxing her to lay down sort of gave her the opening and the permission to really relax and accept the exhaustion she was feeling. I can’t add anymore details about my alone time with her. It’s too fresh and hard to think about, though I’ll probably keep thinking about it way more than I should, even without writing about it.

Last thing for now…Dana drove me  home and came inside with me for awhile. After she left and after I called my family, it obviously got quiet. I was alone with my thoughts for the first time since the whole thing started a few hours earlier.  My first impulsive instinct was to go back to the hospital to see her again while I had one more chance to be with her.  The instinct to go be with her was born out of years of being with her and taking care of her. Of course, I didn’t do it.  It would have been to weird to walk in there again—and wouldn’t have been good for me emotionally either.  I had already said goodbye, though the goodbye could never seem adequate enough or long enough. 

My house felt very empty the next  morning.  It felt even emptier the night before. I basically didn’t sleep. I went on two long walks way past midnight. It’s going to take awhile to get over feeling the empty feeling inside the house— and to get rid of the overwhelming thought that she should be here.  She’s gone because that’s what nature does. To our great sorrow…there’s nothing us dog lovers can do about our dogs leaving us before we want them to.  Babe was a sweet, sweet dog, and I loved her very much (and always will). I told her I loved her many times.  

I miss her intensely.  There are absolutely no words to adequately describe how it feels to know that my friend has gone away forever. I hope this physical ache I feel won’t last too long.  After spending eleven years together with her, the big fat hurt I feel now is not going to go away quickly. It will be replaced by a smaller hurt eventually, and then a smaller one after that. I have to let the emotions happen and be patient about feeling better.  There’s no alternative.

As the days have gone by since Babe died (I’m writing this six days after she died), I continue to miss her the most while I’m at home. I keep thinking she should be there, especially at certain moments when she would usually be on my mind (when I’m opening the door, turning off the lights to go to bed, getting up in the morning, leaving food out on a table). It’s definitely an emptier place without Babe here. I realize more intensely now just how cool it was to have her here to regularly hang out with me.

 

__________________________

 

GOOFY/ABSURD/INANE  THINGS I ROUTINELY  ENJOYED SAYING TO BABE:

***These phrases were part of what was mostly silly banter that I used as a way to communicate with her in a way that was just goofy fun.  The other thing was that I thought it was stimulating for her mentally and emotionally to hear me playfully talk to her, even if she didn’t understand most of what I was saying. She certainly did understand words like walk, ride, car, go out, lay down, sit, and a lot more…but those words were obviously used when I actually wanted to convey something to her directly.

The only time I was truly serious when using any of the phrases below was when I would straight out say “I love you”  when she was sick or when she was being particularly fun or cute.

HERE’S THE LIST:

—-“I love you baby Bub.” OR “I love you very much Baby Bub”

—-“I thinked about you all day Bub.” OR “I thinked about you”  OR  “I thinked about you baby” OR “I thinked about you today Bub”

—-“Baby Bub…What are you trying to think about?”

—-“I tried to think about you Baby Bub.”

—-“I think that dog/person loves you Bub.” 

—-“Did you ever try thinking about me…Baby?”

—-“Can you be the baby, baby-bub?”

—-“You good girl!  OR  “Good Girl! OR  “Good girl Baby Bub!” OR ” You are my good girl” OR “You are a good girl”

—-“You are the best girl in the neighborhood Baby Bub”

—“You are the/my best girl baby bub”

—-“”What are you do’in baby bub?”

—-“I love you very much Baby Bub” OR “I love you very much”

—-“What did you do today? Did you go sleep?”

—-“Can you sit?”

—-“Come here see me”  (I said this to her when I first sat down after getting home from work)

—-“Did you know that I love you Baby Bub?”

—-“Do you love me Baby Bub?”

—-“What do you wanna do?”

—-“”Oh Bub”

—-“Can you be a good girl today Baby Bub?” OR “You are a good girl today Baby Bub”

—-“What are you thinking about baby?”  OR  “What are you trying to think about?”

—-“You are my best, best, best, best girl”

—-“Hey Babe” OR “Hey Bub”

—“Baby Bub, I can’t even think (sink) about you”

—“You’re such a good girl”

—“Do you love me when you think (sink) about me?”

—-“Babe!”

—-“Bub”

— “Baby Bub”

NOTE ABOUT BABE:

***Her name is obviously Babe, but I sometimes called her Bub.  I got her from the Orange County shelter on April 2 1999 when she was approximately 1 1/2 years old, which means she was somewhere between 12-13 when she passed away.  At the shelter she was inside a cage with a Basset Hound, looking very sad and vulnerable. They said she had been running around loose for awhile, which helped explain her desire to be outside as often as possible. She weighed 58 pounds when I got her, and weighed about 75 pounds at the end. She had gotten up to 82 pounds and went down to about 70 after I helped her lose weight. She had probably put on the extra 5 pounds because of the crappy growth in her abdomen. The cancer was on her spleen. Enough said about that. A shitty growth doesn’t change anything about the nature of the vibrant life that Babe led.

 

 

 

MORE THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS…

2/7/10…The guy at Harris Teeter today says to me, “Do you have your Vic Card with you?” I say, “No, I don’t… but hey, why don’t you just give the discounts to everyone?” He looked at me like I was an alien.  Obviously he’s not a Manager so he doesn’t answer questions like that. Managers, on the other hand, do try to answer and are ready with bullshit answers.

Here’s the deal:  It’s free to get a Vic card, and they ask EVERYONE if they want a Vic card, so what’s the difference between me without a Vic Card and the person with a Vic Card? NOTHING.  Here’s the game they play…they try to make you feel special because you have a card, but you’re not special. You don’t pay them for the card, or do push ups to get the card, or take a survey, or do anything else to get the card. They give them to EVERYONE.  Why do they give out the cards?  Because, as I said, they’re trying to make you feel special (part of the club!) because you have the card.  Secondly, they’re able to track how often you shop and what you buy when you use the Vic Card (they also get your address).  So, I’d ask them not to act like they’re doing me a big fat favor by giving me a stupid card to fill up my wallet with.  They could acknowledge they’re playing a stupid retail game (of course they wouldn’t do that)—and more importantly, they could just give everyone the discounts whether they have the precious card or not.

1/28…When I read the first page of Salinger’s “Catcher in the Rye” it was the  first time a novel grabbed me and got my full attention. I know nothing about Salinger. Holden Caulfield was the one who got my attention, not Salinger—which is probably how JD would like it.   I didn’t love Holden (I loved old Pheobe)— but I sure agreed with Holden that there is a lot of crap and phoniness in the world. Holden was too young to have discovered the wonder and joy in life yet. I hope he would have eventually. We’ll never know.

1/27…Stomach problems are over. Feeling fine. State of the Union address tonight. The political polorization in this country is absurd and frustrating. There are people who want Obama to trip and fall and fail in every way possible. I must admit I felt that way about Bush.  We get forced into this because we keep a scvorecard on EVERYTHING. No poilitician is given room to breathe, make mistakes, or learn through trial and error. You’re up or your down, no in between.  The other problem is that the parties are really truly coming from opposite points of view. One side thinks that democracy and capitalism have paved the way so smoothly that there is little need for tweaking of public services or for government interaction with the people. The other side believes that government plays a pivotal role in providing a foundation for people—public parks, libraries, public transportation, healthcare benefits, fire department, public education—- so people can then thrive in the free enterprise system knowing that the foundational things are taken care of through collective means (by a society that has organized itself in a way which tries to benefit all). The other side believes government should basically get out of the way and let people do their own thing.  I don’t know if such fundamentally different views can be reconciled.

1/24…I’m having weird issues with my stomach, nothing serious, probably connected to a combination of things. My one year exam is Feb 3rd so I’ll talk to doctors about stuff related to medicine, old kidneys, new kidney, etc.  NFL should have good games today. Matchups are cool.  Brown winning in Mass was a message that people simply want Washington to work and find commonsense solutions. The battle of people on the fringes is sooooooo old.  I’m a liberal, but I’d settle for a blending of both sides in terms of legislation, as long as the final product wasn’t just vanilla mush. Obama did a bad job of explaning that universal healthcare coverage is good for the ENTIRE society, not just the currently uninsured. We all benefit if the uninsured are treated before they get seriouslly ill. By that time it’s too late and then we ALL pay for the emergency room and the rest of the care. The poor and uninsured don’t get simple preventative care because they can’t afford it. That hurts all of us. None of us live in a bubble, immune frrom the ramificatiions related to other people’s medical struggles.  We’re in this together, whether we know it or not. Unfortunately, there are people not interested in universal healthcare on a moral basis or simply out of a sense of compassion. Hard core small government proponents aren’t willing to help people simply because they think it’s the right thing to do. That’s why Obama needs to remind them that helping the unisnsured is also an economically practical thing to do.

Setting aside healthcare, here’s why some people don’t want to help poor people, and here’s why they’re wrong not to want to help:   They think most poor people just aren’t  trying hard enough.  They say they are slackers who mooch off the government. They ignore the fact that many poor people weren’t born at the same starting line that others were. If you’re born into a poor family, you are already behind the 8 ball. It’s not an insurmountable hurdle, but you are certainly not starting in the same place as a person born into a middle or upper class family. Your school will likely not be as good, your food will likely not be as nutritious, your parents, no matter how well intentioned, will likely be somewhat worn down and less likely to be a contented and postive role model. Your neighborhood will probably suck. It’s a lot to overcome. We all need a level playing field regarding healthcare, education, transportation, and job training.  Beyond providing that foundation….I agree that it’s basically up to each person to make themselves a success. But, the government and society at large does have  an obligation to level the playing field in the most basic foundational ways.

Last point…People who aren’t financially or emotionally ready to have babies should not be having kids. I waited fifteen years to get a dog (and I love dogs!) because I didn’t think I was in a place where I should get one yet. How do we encourage people to wait to have kids until they’re sure they’re ready?  You tell me.

12/11/09…Played tennis last night for the first time in years. Played surpsingly well, but legs are hurting today! Tiger went berserk. How did he think this would end well? Shouldn’t have gotten married if he just did it to do what was expected of him. College roomates son got into Duke. Very cool. As soon as I get a laptop, I’m going to finish the essays on the kidney page of this blog.

12/2…It’s been forever since I’ve been on here.  I got the swine flu while I was in Williamsburg.  Of course, I didn’t realize that’s what it was until I talked with my doctor. Shit, it has rocked me.   101-102 temperatures at night, chills, aches, weakness, queasy stomach, etc.  Trying to go back to work Friday.  Being sick is so isolating, makes you feel cut off from the world, not to mention how shitty you feel.  What do pigs have to do with it? Maybe I’ll google it.

11/19…I had a dream last night that me and Obama were best buddies, playing ball together, hanging out, going out drinking, whatever—and then he suddenly stopped hanging out, which confused me in the dream. I kept asking people why Obama didn’t want to do stuff with me and my other friends anymore. I then found out that the problem was that Michelle was pissed because he seemed to like playing basketball with me more than being home with her. That’s a wacky dream!

11/13…Sarah Palin is not dumb. Dan Quayle wasn’t dumb. But, they both sound stupid because they weren’t ready for prime time. Palin isn’t prepared.  She’s like a cook who didn’t go to cooking school.  Quayle, though, was likeable. Palin, on the other hand, seems dishonest, petty, vindictive, and manipulative.  I generally don’t agree with Conservative Republicans on much of anything, but there are plenty of them that I like.  I like Reagan, Pat Buchanan, Quayle, Bush Sr., Laura Bush,—but I really, really don’t like Palin.

Once I get a laptop, I’ll be able to add to this blog A LOT more often.

11/9…Eight years ago Joe runs for Vice-President as a Democrat and now he single-handedly wants to block a public option in healthcare, a fundamental principle fore any progressive. What happened to him? Let’s get this straight…it’s okay to have mentally ill nut jobs in the military (guy who killed soldiers at Fort Hood),  but it’s not okay to have gay people. Does that make sense?

11/6...Playing Duke on Saturday of Homecoming weekend when both teams are plaing well is going to make for a very cool weekend. Beating Dook at home and quieting their bravado will be nice.

Trivia: The sons of Joe Montana, Wayne Gretzky ,and Will Smith all play for the same high school football team in California. Montana and Gretzky are quaterbacks and Smith is wide receiver. They won the state championship last year.

11/4….I’m sure I could be a superstar as a professional pie eater—if there is such a thing. I’ve seen pie eating contests in movies (like the movie “Stand By Me,” for instance) and I think I could win any of the pie eating battles I’ve witnessed.

I went to Trader Joes last night and found that they had Pumpkin pies in stock. I knew if I bought one that I’d eat the whole thing, so I purposely didn’t buy anything else for dinner. I decided that… if I was going to eat an entire pie in one sitting, then I really shouldn’t eat anything else. Truthfully, I think I could eat 4-5 Pumpkin pies at a time. I know that seems ridiculous, but it’s true. Actually, maybe more than five. And, I can eat them fast…very fast. Even at an older age (and after a transplant), I still think I could be in the top tier of pie eaters— in terms of speed and quanity.

When I got home with the pie last night, my set up for eating it was very basic. I didn’t need a knife because I don’t do slices. I didn’t need a plate because I eat the pie out of the container it’s in. I got a glass of milk filled to the top and a fork and sat down to begin. About a 1/3 of the way through the pie I started to think that maybe I should restrain myself, but I couldn’t stop…I didn’t want to stop. There was really no pattern to my consumption of the pie. All the fork fulls I put in my mouth were large, that was the only consistent thing. I didn’t eat like a pig, grunting and such. I just ate at a very steady pace.

I kept going until all that was left in the pie tin was a few scattered crumbs. My dog, Babe, sat in front of me watching me eat. If she had the ability to think at a higher level, she probably would have decided that I eat much like a dog does. For instance, I often like to take servings of food away from others so I can isolate my food. I like the idea of sharing food, but I can”t bring myself to give up any of what I’m eating—especially when it’s pie. I also, of course, always eat everything in front of me—like dogs do. I do eat healthy now!! I need to. I eat fruits and vegatables and usually small portions. But, I am still capable of periodically eating large amounts like I did last night any time I want to. It’s a gift I was born with.

10/31…I really wish I could be in my hometown this weekend…everyone is going to my parents traditional Halloween dinner, then the high school football game, and then my nephew’s band show. I miss the connection to family and town on a regular basis! Tar Heel football got a big boost Thurs night! That was extremely gutsy considering the last game and the crazy atmosphere at VT. Plus, VT comes at you like Mike Tyson, so you have to punch them in the mouth or they’ll steam roll you. There was no steam rolling by VT Thurs night!

10/26…Wow…UNC football blows lead, Field Hockey loses first match of the season, women’s soccer loses twice!, Panthers lose to Buffalo, Giants lose. But, the Yankees salvage the weekend by making the World Series. Healthcare legislation is entering the homestretch, which will involve a lot of twists and turns and arm twisting. I agree that the White House is stupid to take on Fox News so directly. I have no problem with Fox, except that they pretend to be something they’re not. Just go ahead say that you’re anti progressive, anti-Democrat…it’s okay,…don’t pretend you’re really fair and balanced. Just say what you are. Murdoch and Roger Ailes have a long history of Conservatism, so everyone knew what was coming with Fox. Like I said, that’s no problem…just don’t deny it.

10/24…I haven’t fully recovered from Thurs night game. It was all there in front of the team, the chance to gain a lot of momentum. First half was awesome. Second half was a slow motion nightmare. Yates interception and their 99 yard TD out of the endzone in the 3rd quarter was the whole game. I hope people realize that you just have to keep plugging. It’s no time to quit on the idea of getting to consistent top 20 or top 10 seasons.

10/21…This game tomorrow night is like when you invite important people to your house and you want everything to be just right. In this case just right would include winning. Everything needs to be fresh and clean, fans need to be loud and proud, and players need to be fired up and sharp.

Win by Yankees last night was thorough and sweet. Going up 3-1 is a big big deal going back to the beloved Bronx. Not needing bullpen was key, along with clutch hitting.

10/17…My college rommate and my Godson Chris are here for the weekend. Chris is looking to go to Duke and is a huge Duke b-ball fan. I sucked it up and went to “Countdown to Craziness” at Cameron so I could hang out with them. I felt like a Pepsi executive in a Coke factory. I almost threw up when they introduced Leattner and Hurley. Coach K was lord of the manor. Their mascot is pathetic. Their idea of renovation is painting the seats. BUT, it was great going with Andy and Chris and it’s a great place to watch basketball. Can’t wait for the season to start. Hope Chris goes to Duke.

10/14…There should be a law that no one can compare someone to Hitler anymore. It’s gotten so old and absurd. Pelosi and Obama are compared to Hitler. George Bush was too. Lots of people are. It’s the current cliche if you think someone is a tryrant or you think someone is abusing their authority. Kids shouldn’t be able to mutter that their parents “are just like Hitler” when they make the kids take out the garbage. Let’s switch to Stalin or Bernie Madoff or Ghengis Kahn. Enough Hitler!

Just for Matt…Reagan was a good President…I just think he didn’t he had as much to do with ending the Cold War as some say he did. Remember…I was in college then, so I watched the whole thing happen. Don’t believe me, though! I could be way wrong! Historians will figure it out after they get to see all the inside stuff. Of course, they’ll still be debate then too. I’m reading about Gettysburg right now—and “experts” are still divided over whether Lee or Longstreet screwed up the battle strategy. (I think Lee was too aggressive and Longstreet was right.) Most people in the South blame Longstreet because they love Lee. Lee ordered Picketts charge. Longstreet thought they should take the defensive and lure in the Yankee soldiers.

10/12…I’ve lost steam on here recently as far as adding to pages other than this page. I need to regain enthusiasm. It’s weird writing on here because I don’t know whose reading anything—it’s like writing in a vacumn. Yankees got through with power at the plate and power on the mound. Tar Heels won, but the offense is still pretty bad. Hopefully they’ll get better!!! Thursday night game on ESPN will be a lot of fun. I need to get a hold of Adam Lucas about doing magazine story on Terry, my donor.

10/9…I didn’t even know the vote for Nobel Peace Prize was due now. I’m surprised like most other people that Obama got it. It seems early in his work to get such a prize. Some were saying this morning…Why isn’t it ever a Republican President? It’s not a knock against them when they don’t get it. It’s just not their thing. It’s not something they focus on. Ironically, Nixon’s work with China may be the closest any Republican has come. Why not Reagan? I am absolutely convinced that historians will acknowledge that Gorbachev (and to a much lesser extent Yeltsin) were responsible for the changes in the Sovet Union. Reagan was a partner in the right place at the right time. ANY other Soviet leader would have reacted VERY BADLY to Reagan. Gorbachev was already trying to repair the horrible Soviet economy and draw down the arms race befor Reagan said anything. If Reagan had called the Soviet Union an “Evil Empire” when Krushchev or Brezhnev were in power they would have gotten very pissed and escalated things beyond belief. Imagine Kennedy calling the Soviet Union an Evil Empire? Reagan was just plain lucky…because Gorbachev was the first young semi-progressive leader the Soviets had ever had.

10/7….I really don’t understand all this talk about Obama not accomplishing anything. I’m an Obama supporter, but I think I can say objectively that he’s on a pace very comparable to most other Presidents. He got the 8,000.00 tax credit for first time home buyers passed, the stimulus package, renewal of CHIPS program for kids, equal pay for women bill, Cash For Clunkers (as part of stimulus), all five committees putting out healthcare proposals, on track to close Guantanemo Bay, and more.

FDR went crazy with the amount of bills passed because we were in a very severe depression. LBJ passed the Great Society legislation, but it took a long time. In most cases, big things like Social Security, Medicaire, Voting Rights, and other civil rights legislation took a lot of time to pass!!!! Where’s the patience? Obama is trying to pass cut backs on Carbon emmisions, pass Health Care reform, reform the Gays in the military policy, and close down Guantanemo Bay. Those are all issues that include a tremendous amount of complexity, controversy and push back from critics. They’re not easy!!!! Obama didn’t need to take on this stuff. He could have taken it the easy way and concentrated on Afghanistan and basic economic policy—-and left the hard stuff to someone else. People need to be patient. If he ultimately fails on these four big issues, I will judge him harsly too, but I’m waiting until everything plays out to judge his success or failure!

I was thinking about all the loudest patriots of our time and picturing them following through on their patriotism by joining the military. I imagined being bogged down by enemy fire and over the hill comes the courageous reinforcements. Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Dick Cheney, and Tom Delay come rushing through sniper fire in order to come to the defense of their fellow soldiers. Could there be a better group of brave men to defend our freedom on the battlefield?

10/6…I rolled my ankle playing tennis and got a lot of swelling and pain—the ususal thing. I was glad to be moving fast enough and cutting sharply enough to roll it. I felt like an athlete again. I’m going to get back out there as soon as it heals. Favre was the most controlled I’ve ever seen him last night. He’s still got the rocket arm. throwing acrosss his body as hard as other people throw conventionally. Obama and his crew are going to need to be creative and specific to get the Afghanistan policy right. It’s very hard to manage that situation. That’s an understatement!!! Psyched that my family is meeting in Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia for Thanksgiving. Love that place. Any history lover should go there more than once.

10/5…The UNC coaching staff has to now acknowledge the offensive line is in crisis and take redshirts off McAdoo (big lineman from Chapel Hill high) and maybe even consider taking red shirt off Brenner, the Quaterback from Virginia. TJ is a fine quaterback, but he isn’t mobile at a time when the O-line is letting guys through like a leaky pipe in a hundred year old house.

Guy said in the paper the other day that the US will always be hated and resented by certain Europeans and others because we’re powerful. It’s the same thing Coach K says about Duke. I don’t buy it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just as one example—the Yankee team that won 113 games was not hated. There are plenty of other examples. How you use the power and how you wear your success matters too, not just the fact that you have the power and the success. Steinbrenner was hated, John Wooden wasn’t. K is hated, Torre wasn’t. The US is always going to be envied, but it doesn’t have to be hated in certain corners of the world. Bill Gates isn’t hated, Wall Street Execs often are. It goes on and on and on…

10/2….Chicago didn’t get Olympic bid. I totally think Rio should since no South American country ever has hosted. Babe walked around like a drunk frat boy last night. The anesthetic they gave her when extracting tooth really disoriented and weakened her. I’m glad that’s over. UNC better beat UVA!!!!!!!!!!

9/28…Yankees had a perfect day yesterday—completed sweep of Red Sox, won 100th game of season, and clinched division title. Babe (my dog) getting tooth out Thursday. I need to freshen up my life with new stuff.

9/26…On the way to watch the Heels play Georgia Tech at friend’s house. Big game. Iran was hiding a nuclear site. Surprise! Who would Iran hit with a nuke? Obviously Isreal is the main concern. I will tell you, though…I still believe in the deterent effect related to Iran knowing that they would be hit with a devastating attack about 60 seconds after it was confirmed that they were responsible. I consider terrorists to be much more dangerous than governments like Iran.

9/24…Will Afghanistan become a Vietnam type quagmire? I hope not. Problem, amonfg other things, is that the Afghan gov’t and military is weak and very ineffective, so we can turn things over to them and expect the Taliban to not regain lots of power. On the other hand, trying to win militarily on our own could take forever. Covincing Pakistan and Afghan militaries to gang up on Taliban would be great, but they wuill resist doing that. They’d rather go along to get along. Russians could help more theoretically, but they won’t. Western Europe could help LOTS more, but they’re reluctant. What to do? Pressure our allies to help in return for….whatever we can do for them in return. We’ll see.

9/23…Babe (my dog) needs a big molar pulled. Her face is all swollen around the site of the inflammation. I’m just glad it’s not some kind of cyst…but pulling a tooth is pretty serious too. I always thought it was weird to get her teeth cleaned, but I should have done it. I’m going to now. My car won’t start. It’s been a weird and stressful couple of days. I’ve been thrown a couple of curve balls, but that’s life in the fast lane. Obama tells the Governor of NY not to run again and then visits NYC the next day to go to the U.N.—and is greeted by Governor Patterson. He basically was saying to Patterson: You suck so bad that you’re hurting the whole party. Not smooth!

9/21… Cowboy’s new stadium is like a Disney World site. Three crazy NFL rules: 1) You can call timeout just before a field goal so they have to kick twice. 2) If you catch the ball and hold it for any amount of time, it’s still not a catch in the endzone (and elsewhere) if it comes loose when you hit the ground. That’s crazy. If you have an injury in the last two minutes, they take 40 seconds off the clock to discourage people from faking injuries. CRAZY. Panthers had a totally legitimate injury and lost 4o precious seconds off the clock. Tar Heels offense was great. Love beating ECU. My car battery is dead. Had to wait in Sunrise Bisquit parking lot with Babe (my dog) Sunday morning for an hour for a jump from a garage. If I gave you all the details, it would be funny. No time. Where’s Dana? Movie discussion group starts next week at Weaver Street Market (where all the wannabe hippies go).

9/17…Grizzly bears are more dangerous than Black Bears. The Cheetah is the world’s fastest land animal. An Ostrich is much faster running than the fastest person. Hippos are among the most dangerous animals in the wild. Can you imagine seeing a dinosaur in person? Seeing them in movies or museums is one thing, but the sight of them would be….unbelievable. Seeing a giraffe or a whale or elephant or Gorilla or any other large creature is amazing, but dinosaurs obviously dwarf the stature of anything we see now. The biggest baddest dinosaurs make King Kong look like Mister Rodgers.

I love Presidential history. What would have happened if Dewey did defeat Truman. Would Dewey have dropped the Atomic bombs? Probably, but you never know. What if Nixon had defeated JFK? If Robert Kennedy had lived and beaten Nixon? No JFK assasination. No Watergate. Vietnam war would have ended much sooner. If Gore had defeated Bush? No Iraq war. All quirks of history.

9/16…Don’t have anything on my mind today. I may have to really emphasize the RANDOM part of the Random Thoughts idea. Snails can sleep up to 3 years, especially if they’re in the desert. George Washington only had one toothe left by the time he became President. He had to borrow money to get to the Inaugural (I don’t think being General paid much). Jimmy Carter served as an officer on a submarine. Ronald Reagan went to Eureka college (I think it was in Illinois?)and was a lifeguard. George Bush, of course, was a Yale cheerleader. Abe Lincoln was an excellent wrestler. He wrestled people in “arranged matches” in the street, like happened a lot at that time. He was, of course, very tall for his time (6′ 3 or 6′ 4) and pretty srong when he was younger (all that rail splitting). Woodrow Wilson’s wife practcally ran things after Wilson became seriously ill. There’s only been one bachelor President. NO President could EVER hide being in a wheelchair thses days like FDR did. Can you imagine that the press didn’t reveal it back then! He would often do outdoor speeches from his car!!!! Or propped up against a railing. Of course some people outside of his staff, family and the media knew, but no one called him out on the fakery. After Babe Ruth made more in his salary than the President at the time (the first player to do that), he was asked if he thought it was okay to make more than the President. He famously answered, “Yes, because I had a better year than the President.”

9/15…If you’re a passionate sports fan or a player, the games you play or watch will sometimes rip your heart out and stomp on it. I’m not a Buffalo Bills fan, but I was rooting for them last night to beat the Patriots because I don’t like the Patriots. I was very happy to see The Giants derail the Patriots run to immortality two years ago in the Super Bowl (I’ve been a Giants fan since I was in the womb). The Bills are up 11 with 5 minutes left. The Patriots go the length of the field and get within 5 (they go for two and don’t get it). Not a problem! There’s only two minutes left. On the kickoff the Bills returner decides to come out of the endzone instead of downing the ball and coming out to the twenty. Why? I have no idea. All the Bills have to do is run three plays, burn all of the Patriots time outs and punt with about 1:30 left, making the Patriots go the length of the field with no timeouts. Instead the dude runs it out and gets stood up at the twenty five. One guy holds him up while the other uy rips the ball out of his hands. Patriots get the ball and go on to win. NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. As a competitive person, it was hard to watch a team throw away a victory in a game that would have jump started their whole season.

The other thing was Federer dominating his match and then he lets the guy off the hook at the end of the second set. Momentum shifts and Federer loses two hours later. Just like the fumble, Federer gave the other side hope and momentum at a pivotal moment. The beauty and fun of sports is that there’s always a clear winner—no subjective judging, no Simon Cowell, no voting, just a winner at the end. The pain of sports springs from the same set of facts. The process can be fantastic like it was for the Bills for 58 minutes lasdt night, and yet in the end the objective results can temporarily rip your heart out. Triumph and pain are often right around the corner in the world of sports.

9/13…I always thought Venus was the classy sister and Serena was a cry baby and pretty arrogant. I love Serena’s fire and power, but she rarely gives opponents credit after a loss. Last night she went off on a lineswoman. I understood why she was pissed. The lady called a foot fault out of nowhere, but Serena should have sincerely apologized after she got her thoughts together. She didn’t. Great win for Heels. Offense is a work in progress and UConn’s defense is really good. The way the game went wasn’t a huge surprise. Big day in sports today. I’m going home to get in the comfortable chair and watch NFL and semi final tennis at US Open. Jordan said at his Hall of Fame speech that we should not be surprised if you see him playing in NBA at 50. Though he seemed serious, I’m sure he was obviously kidding. It would be cool, though, to see someone break age barriers like George Foreman did. George Blanda kicked field goals when he was like 50 (in the NFL). A guy (whose name I can’t remember) played baseball with Atlanta at 47. BUT, basketball is MUCH tougher to play at 50 at the pro level because of the pace of the game. I know other Presidents have been hated. Lincoln and FDR were hated. Clinton was hated. Bush was hated. Many were hated. BUT, I’ve never seen people in power (Fox, columnists, leading politicians) spew such hatred when they should be calming people down. Usually public figures serve as a counter balance to the people in fringe private groups when it comes to hyperbole and pure hatred. Poilical leaders and the media usually do show their passion, but also add some reason to the arguments being put out by zealots. Liberal groups spewed craziness about George Bush, but public figures didn’t go as far. They knew better. They knew better than to let things go so far as to disrespect the office of President and at the same time letting people get so fired up that violence and anarchy could happen. Not this time. I have no problem with people fighting for their ideology, but when people call Obama Hitler and say he wasn’t born here, the people in power need to tell the people they can influence that they’ve gone too far. This goes for Liberals, Conservatives, Democrats, Republicans and Independents, but, as I said, things seem different this time. Is it partly because Obama is African American? I don’t think anyone knows for sure, but I’ll bet it’s part of it.

9/11…I don’t think I even noticed this date the past few years, probably because I was caught up in all my kidney mess. When I first heard the radio broadcast at work on 9/11/01, it seemed like the whole country was being attacked because they included everything that actually happened and some misinformation about incredible attacks in Washington that they thought had haapened (in addition to the Pentagon attack). It was as if the world had suddenly gone crazy. My first thought was rooted in the way you would have thought in the past before terror groups came along. ..What country/government could be responsible for this? I couldn’t imagine any country doing it. I couldn’t imagine who would have done it! Televisions were lined up outside Student Stores so everyone could watch what was going on. It didn’t seem like we should even be working that day once we all realized what had happened. I felt like we should all just go home and gather our thoughts. The event eclipsed anything I’d ever seen—more shocking and moving than the moon landing, Vietnam, and Presidential assasinations all combined together. It must have been how people felt after Pearl Harbor, except that I think 9/11 was way more shocking than Pearl Harbor.

Bill O’ Riley’s in-depth analysis of the President’s speech: “It was too long.” He’s an idiot. Too long? It’s one of the most consequential and complex issues of our time ( or any time) and he thinks 50 minutes is too long? What has happened to our attention spans?

9/9…THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I’VE EVER SAID: Someone said something today that reminded me of something I once said to a girl I was talking to at some kind of party. I was trying to tell her that I thought she and I had a strong connection. I was a little drunk so it was hard to figure out what to say. This is what I eventually said: I looked her staright in the eye and said, “Ya know, I feel like we already know each other somehow. I think you and I may have known each other in another life. I think maybe I was a General in the Civil War and you were my horse.” I don’t remember her reaction. She probably either laughed or walked away very, very quickly.

9/8… I HAVE A PROBLEM…I’m watching too much TV. The last time I got to this point I threw my TV in a dumpster and didn’t watch TV (other than sports and news) for about two years. I’m not going to do anything that extreme this time. For one thing my current TV is much nicer than the one I chucked into the dumpster. I was in the waiting room at the doctor this morning and the TV was on. It was some ridiculous morning show where they’re talking about silly crap about needing an umbrella or how to make a perfect casserole, or something like that. I was hypnotized! I stared at the TV like a lion stares at a piece of meat before they pounce at it. I have a problem. Most of us do. It’s great to watch TV, but I need to stop when I’m searching for something to watch just so I can keep watching. TV is my cocaine. It’s my Moutain Dew. It’s whatever people are addicted to. The last time I threw my TV out it was because I was watching Geraldo interview skin heads at 1:00am. That was when I hit bottom. I think I hit bottom again this morning. We’ll see. I don’t need to stop entirely. I just need to be reasonable. Read more. Go to the movies. Go to a play. Play tennis. Anything but watching a cable show about Repo guys going to snatch people’s cars back (I do, though, love that show!). We’ll see if I can make some progess and cut back, starting tonight.

9/6…Okay, I’m going to reveal intimate details of a ridiculous event that happened this morning. Here’s the deal…At the point your brain has delivered the message that you’ve found a place to go to the bathroom (take a crap), then all systems are GO. Let’s just say that the projectile moves into position and the rocket is ready to leave the pad. Well, this morning I was on campus because I was going to go to the library to use a computer. As I got out of my car, I realized I needed to go to the bathroom. There would usually be many restrooms available on campus, so I simply strolled toward the nearest building. I forgot, though, that some buildings would be locked up on campus because of Labor Day weekend.

I first went to the Union and found that it wasn’t open. Not a problem. I’ll just continue on my way to the library. I find, though, that the library doesn’t open for another hour. I begin to sweat and curse under my breathe. Every time I approach a possible unloading zone the urge is becoming more and more urgent. Okay, I thought, surely a classroom building will be open. There’s no real reason to lock them up on the weekend. BUT NO, I discover after a walk of about 50 yards that they’re also not open. I look around at other buildings. I know the cafteria isn’t open on Sundays. The Student Store doesn’t open for another two hours.

As the extreme urgency grows, I start thinking…should I do this outdoors? I’ve never done that before, not even in the woods. I know many people have—I guess, but I don’t want to be more animal than human, even if it is just this one time. There was hardly anyone around on a sleepy weekend morning, but it would still be uncivilized and weird to do it outdoors, especially on a college campus. It’s one thing for an undergrad to possibly puke all over the sidewalk in the middle of the night. That’s to be expected. But a middle aged man taking a crap behind a bush on a beautiful Sunday morning? That’s a terrible thought. BUT…if I can’t make it to a public restroom in time, the alternative would be totally disgusting (you know what I’m talking about). As I go back to my car, I map out the absolute quickest route to a restaurant where I can use their restroom. I decide on Fosters. However…when I almost get to my car, I see Fetzer gym and I wonder…should I try going in there? If I can’t get in, I’ve wasted more precious time—but If I can get in I will get sweet relief much sooner. I decide to try. As I walk over toward the entrance, my brain is again delivering the message that things may happen soon, so again the urge becomes greater. I know that the restroom is just inside the front doors. In my mind, I’m already optimistically imagining myself high-stepping it to the restroom door. I pull on the entrance door to the gym and it’s…LOCKED. Maybe they accidentally left one door unlocked? I go around to the other side and try those doors. Not surprisingly, THEY’RE ALSO LOCKED.

Now I immediately zero in on the original plan…I’m just going to speed off to Fosters. It’s about a mile away. The thing trying to get out is literally pushing it’s way toward the exit now, creating pain and stress and making me curse every time I come to a red light. I consider running the last light, but I don’t. As I make the turn into Foster’s parking lot, I’m going too fast and scare the crap out of two people who are liesurely walking out toward the sidewalk. I don’t come close to hitting them or anything dramatic like that. It’s just that my unusually high speed as I take the corner simply startles them.

There is nothing stopping me now. Fosters is open and they definitely have a restroom. I rush past the bagel counter, past the salads, past the drinks cooler, and then go down the hallway to the Men’s Room and push open the door. I immediately smell something I didn’t want to smell. In an instant I assume someone is still doing what I want to do so badly. The smell is so strong that the guy must still be in there. I look under the door of the only stall in the room and I spot his sneakers. SHIT! Not only do I see feet…I also see a book bag and other loose books and a paper bag. The guy is camped out in there!!!! He’s turned the stall into his own apartment. He may be eating his lunch in there for all I know. All I know is that I can’t stand there and wait. If I don’t keep moving, it’s going to happen right now. My house is 1/2 mile away, so I run back out to my car and drive back out of the parking lot toward Sunrise Lane. I have one light to go through before I get there. YES, it does turn red just as I get to it…so I curse again. Now I’m going up the hill to my house. When I get the car parked, I run to my back patio and rush through the door. I ignore my dogs usual exuberant greeting. “I have to take a crap Babe,” I yell to her as I jump over her. As I run into the bathroom, my toilet has become the most important object in the world. For that second, I don’t care about health care, or world hunger, or work, or what sporting event is on TV today,or what I’m going to eat for lunch. I’m just thinking about unloading the burden I’ve been living with for approximately fifteen minutes. I sit on the toilet and let out a sigh of such profound relief that Babe gets scared and runs upstairs. It’s finally over.

As I sit here now writing about all this, I wonder what it must have been like before the Romans invented a sewage system and before toilets and toilet paper were invented. I think I got a little taste this morning of what it may have been like when toilets were not available.

9/4…I’ve never been more ashamed of the political climate in this country. When any President says he’s going to speak with children and tell them to work hard and stay in school and people are keeping their kids out of school that day, there’s something very very wrong. Reagan was my least favorite President because of his policies. If he had done the same thing (talked with kids the first day of school), I would have applauded it. NO President is going to try and “indoctrinate” kids to any ideology. It’s an absurd idea. If Obama did that, I would be the first to object. He’s simply using the aura of the Presidency to encourage kids to do what EVERYONE encourages them to do—think of education as an important thing. People are way too quick to branch out from disagreeing with policies to full fledged hatred of politicians. I didn’t hate Bush or Reagan. I hated their policies. I didn’t like the fact that Bush seemed to lack curiosity and Reagan seemed to over simplify complex problems, but I respected them anyway. People have to separate policy differences from personal hatred.

The football last night on ESPN was not good. I couldn’t believe how bad State and SC were on offense. Oregon was worse. Still exciting to get it all going.

9/2…Caulton Tudor did a column that State football team is better than UNC. I’ve never disagreed with any sports columnist more than him. We shall see. I think he’s crazy. Meeting on health care tonight in Wilson led by Congressmen David Price. Will be interesting to see if it gets crazy. I don’t think so. Price is very smart and dignified. It would be weird to hurl insults at him. Obama should probably do Prime Time Address on Afghanistan, health care, and the deficit to regain control of outlining his policies clearly and to make clear what his messages are on all three pivotal issues. Where there is vacumn of information people will fill it with any old shit they want to. Health care reform will ultimately help deficit. Afghanistan is haven for Taliban and terrorists. Health care reform can’t be put off again, whatever form it ends up taking. Tell congress to call people out when they hear people say things about health care that are factually wrong.

8/31…Inglorious Basterds rewrites WWII history in a very strange way that I didn’t entirely buy into or enjoy, but the movie is very well done. The scenes are very cool, cooler than the story overall. Definitely worth seeing. The Varsity space where the theatre closed might be turned into a non-profit movie theatre. That would be great news. Tiger missed a 6 footer on 18 that would have gotten him in a playoff. Damn, I thought he’d make it. He misread it. No yips at all!!! Nicks 150 yards and 2 TD’s for Giants. Great! UNC only won 1-0 in women’s soccer yesterday. How did UCLA give up 7?

I’m going to concentrate on working on the Transplant essay for a while. It’s the most important essay on the blog—not the best maybe, but the most important.

8/29…I’m going to pay someone to add essays on this blog. I just can’t keep up with it myself—this way I can have them add things regularly. Watched Ted Kennedy’s funeral this morning. Absolutely amazing how many people he touched either personally or professionally. All the talk of sailing reminded me how gorgeous Cape Cod is. The Kennedy family is so BIG. It will be interesting to see if any of the kids take up a career in politics. Caroline, JFK’s daughter, is just too soft spoken for the rough and tumble of the job. The others her age also don’t seem perfectly suited either. I think it will be one of the kids. I need to fulfill my desire to help other people find kidney donors! Tar Heel monthly has agreed in principle to do a story about my transplant, which I want to center on the need for living donors as a way for people to avoid the long waits on traditional waiting lists. No one really hears about the frustrated sick people who are waiting for organs year after year after year.

8/28…First football game is a week from tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! Can’t wait to get things rolling toward the end zone. We damn well better destroy The Citadel since they’re picked to finish 6th in their league. I’m ready to chill this weekend like a bottle of champagne on ice. Nothing strenuous, all free and easy, maybe a movie, maybe a few beers, definitely easy living. One of these weekends, I want to either go to the zoo, the beach, or Charlottesvile, Va, or Asheville. Lots of weekends this fall will be football weekends. Ted Kennedy was a passionate advocate for people in the shadows, for his family, and for The Senate. He was a wheeler dealer, not afraid to exert power in strong arm ways, but it was almost always in the name of helping those who had a hard time helping themselves, the kind of thing that Conservatives hate when the help comes from government. I think everyone generally respected Kennedy, even if he did apparently flee the scene of an accident when he should have stayed and helped. If there had been cell phones in those days, he would have had NO excuse for leaving the woman behind in the pond where the car went under.

8/27…The craziness continues! Little time to do anything but train people and then train some more people. What is happening in the world outside work? I have no idea. If there were a hurricane coming, I wouldn’t know about it.

8/26…Holy crap Batman, I’ve been so busy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Local Mag is going to do a story about my donor and what he did for me. Psyched about that.

8/24…Crazy day! Hired 13 people in past week. That’s a challenge because of training and paperwork. Going home now to see Babe and watch cable—low key and relaxing—some major hanging out.

8/23…I haven’t had time lately to add essays on here. I have about six to add, but I have to type them in for reasons that are too boring to explain. The madnees has begun at the store, but is nothing compared to this coming week. Federer in final today of tune up tourney for U.S. Open. Open starts this coming week. Federer is #1 seed, but there’s a whole bunch of guys who could win. Roddick would love to win it. My nephew goes off to college this week. He gets to live with a high school friend. I lived with a total stranger like most people do. He went to bed at 11:00 every week night. In a small room that was a problem for me because I was a 1:00am guy. He listed to Mystery theatre on the radio when he went to bed. The amazing thing about college is meeting so many people in the bizarre social setting that dorm living is.

8/22…Yankess scored 20 runs against the Red Sox last night. That puts them 7 1/2 games ahead of them. It would be nice if the Red Sox didn’t win the Wild Card either. Interviewed six people yesterday for jobs. The whole Fall scheduling process for a 30-35 person staff justifies my entire salary. My head is filled with names and dates. We are prepared as well as we can be, with still a little bit of hiring to do. UNC soccer opens against UCLA here today. Jumping right into the fire! UCLA is ranked #3 in the country. It’s going to be crazy hot out there because of the absurd humidity. The health care debate rages on. Here’s what I don’t understand…the phrase, “Keep the gov’t out of my life!” Health care isn’t going to stop anyone from eating Raisan Bran naked on their back porch or pounding Buds all night or going to the Zoo or doing whatever other legal thing you want to do. It’s strictly a pocket book issue. Yeah, it might put restrictions on some aspects of your care—but there already are restrictions!!!!!!!!! Health care is not like auto insurance or almost anything else. It’s like going to college. The price is so high that only rich people can afford it without some kind of extra help. Going to college involves financial aid, Pell Grants, loans, etc. Health care needs a similar option. A three day stay in the hospital is about $20,000.00, depending what you have done. My transplant cost about $100,000.00. My insurance (mostly medicaire—a gov’t program) paid for it, but the cost is passed on to everyone in higher premiums. People without insurance who go to the ER are paid for by the rest of us in higher premiums. Of course we need reform!!!!!!!!!!!! Costs are too high, premiums are too high. People with pre-existing conditions, people who retire, lower income people, people who lose their jobs, and people who work for small businesses are all too vulnerable without reform.
8/20…My brother’s birthday today! My frien’s 15 year old cat died. Very hard to deal with. Greg Paulus stating at Syracuse. Great story for him, having grown up there. It’s like TV movie to move from b-ball to football in his hometown. Obama like Hitler? Yeah, we sometimes forget Hitler’s interest in Universal health care. It gets lost in all the stuff about world domination. Hitler also had that cash for clunkers program that people forget about. See ya.

8/19…Scientists are in the process of looking at larger and larger portions of the galaxy/universe and are finding more and more stars and planets, some of which may be suitable for life as we know it. If life was found in other places, it seems like that would shattter the organized religion view that God spent most of their time creating the Earth and all its inhabitants. The view that a God would concentrate primarily on Earth, it seems to me, is a very narrow view of what a supernatural spritual being would be and what they/it would do. Organized religion is way too quick to make specific detailed definitive claims in instances where it would be appropriate and rational to acknowledge that many things remain a mystery. Even the idea that a God would methodically create things over a seven day period seems like making God into something that resembles a person. That seems silly too. The idea that God is a “man/father” sitting in a rocking chair above the clouds watching us is comforting, but weird. It seems more likely that God is a some kind of force, or energy, or spirit—rather than a “father” who thinks and acts like we do. Am I being too rational? Religion is an important part of our communities, but I do wish people would be way more open to the possibilty that things may not be exactly as they claim. You can honor what created us without being so certain about what the creator is and what creation looked like. Claiming certainty about such mysterious and other worldly issues seems arrogant and closed minded. Like many other people, I believe people simplify and humanize issues related to sprituality in order to calm their fears. It’s natural to want to understand the universe and our place in it, but it almost seems childish to rush to easy answers when no easy answers yet exist.

8/18…All this talk about Tiger is vulnerable, showing his age, he choked, he’s entering a new phase—it’s all absurd. Sat night he was fine and Sunday he’s vulnerable? 24 hours later everything changed? He missed putts—that’s all! Harrington flubbed a ball into the lake from just off the green and took an 8. Is he old? Michelson was like +15. Old? He was probably too conservative in the fairways, but he hit off the tee as well as he ever has—maybe a little shorter, but really accurate. Irons were a little off, but I really think he just over thought the wind. He’s fine. Shut up! Talked to this really cool guy this morning who grew up in France and has lived all over the world. Now lives in Hillsborough. He says America is the best place to live—not the best social policies all the time, but best place to live day-to-day.

8/17…Birthday was low key but cool. Got a cell phone for first time! I’m being dragged into the 21st century. I wouldn’t have done it if Matt and Grant hadn’t done it all for me. Sat behind couple at the movies the other night and thought about how it’s been too long since I’ve been on a date. I have to get in a relationship—casual or otherwise! I really dropped out of a social life during dialysis and transplant. I was pretty isolated because of tiredness, early bed times, etc. etc. That’s not the only reason, though. It’s just plain harder to meet women as you get older. Tate and Ackley have to sign today. If Tate ended up playing football and baseball at UNC it would be huge.

OTHER PEOPLE’S PERCEPTIONS OF MY EATING HABITS:

1) A girl in a bookstore kept looking at me until I asked her what was going on. She said, “You eat really loud.”

2) My mother recently told me she’d leave the table at our restaurant if I kept sucking the spaghetti into my mouth.

3) My brother used to beg my parents to not sit next to me at the dinner table because I picked food off his plate and drank out of his glass.

4) When I was in college, a girl asked me if I had my own refrigirator at my parent’s house.

5) My friend Ronnie, who had a crush on me, very sweetly brought me a pie she had baked for me. I was drunk when she came to my door—and I basically grabbed it from her and ran away. I ended up sitting on the floor in the dorm’s laundry room eating the whole pie. What didn’t go in my mouth ended up all over my face and on the floor. When she found me, I don’t think she was happy.

***These are the reasons it’s sometimes better for me to eat alone.

8/15…The library computer I’m working on is the slowest in the history of modern civilization. I don’t know what’s wrong with it. Tiger may be on his way to 15th Grand Slam. I feel like throwing this computer into the garbage can sitting next to me. If I did it, I guess they’d take away my library card just before they threw me out the door into the parking lot. It must be nice to have every little thing that makes life easier. I wouldn’t want to be rich, but I would like temporary access to a truck load of money. A few frshemen are going to have to make big noise on the Tar Heel football team, especially at O-line and wide receiver. Rick Patino? Wow. Mike Vick? He better be volunteering at the Animal shelter for quite a while to get a good image back.

8/14…Damn, I wish I was computer savvy! It takes me forever to make changes on here sometimes. My birthday is Sunday. UNC lost a backup offensive lineman yesterday. Could have been a lot worse. I need a laid back weekend! Too many details in my head with the semester starting soon. Vick with Eagles. Can’t get the eye drops in Babe’s eyes easily. Vet said it wouldn’t be hard. He was wrong.

8/12…My upstairs neighbor’s dog is vomiting pools of blood. Not good. Hope he’s okay. Babe has slight eye thing going on, just weird redness where it shouldn’t be. Compared to throwing up blood—not a problem. I think it might go away on its own. My brother is incredibly frustrated about the nonsense being said at townhall meetings. There are completely legitimate concerns about reform(I have some too!), but all this stuff about tyranny and the undermining of the constitution is bizarre. I just don’t understand where people think we’d be without the government funding for state colleges, parks, disaster relief, post office, roads, etc. If there was an alternative way to raise money other than taxes, I’d be all for it….but what is the alternative?

8/11…Wow, this healthcare debate seems to have really exposed people’s feelings about the effectiveness of government programs. The summer of ’69 has been in the news lately. What an interesting time. First man on the moon, Vietnam protests all over the place, Nixons first paranoid year in office, the Manson killings, one year after RFK and MLK were assasinated, the Miracle Mets won the World Series in ’69 with Seaver and Ron Swoboda, Koosman, and the rest of the boys—after being a laughing stock for years. It’s so cool to look back at history. Teddy Roosevelt was practically crazy, but one of our best Presidents. He was an insomniac and kind of manic. Had enough energy for 10 people. He started the modern conservation movement because he loved the outdoors. Apparently hiking was one of the few things that calmed him down. Obama is doing a town hall this afternoon. It would be cool if people started screaming crazy stuff at him. It would be very entertaining to watch a President get heckled and see how he responded. As long as they don’t throw a shoe at him like the Iraqi dude did.

8/8…This series had gone exactly the way the Yankees wanted it to. 15 inning loss is almost devastating for Sox since it puts them 4 1/2 games out. Sarah Palin said some absurd things about health care reform yesterday. Said it was “evil.” Said it would tell old people who was going to “be killed”— and put disabled people like her son at risk. There is a lot about the proposals to legitimately argue over, but no one is going to be told they have to die. There would be an option to be counseled about all the issues surrounding late life care. Every time I go to the hospital they ask if I have a living will. This new proposal would simply mean that older chronically ill people would be told that they can, if they want to, be educated about wills, hospice, etc. They’re not going to tell them they have to die! Plus, disabled people are not going to be denied care. That’s beyond ridiculous. My health care is paid 80-100% by Medicaire since I went on dialysis—a gov’t run program. The gov’t, additionally, passed a law a long time ago that dialysis would always be free. The gov’t is often a bloated beauracracy—everyone knows that. But they also give us roads, Medicaire, benefits for veterans, libraries, military, fire dep’t, Medicaid, Post Office, man on the moon, medical research, vaccines, National Parks. By their nature, governments are large and hard to manage, but they are well intentioned for the most part. There is horrible graft and corruption and wasteful spending, but that’s no reason to give up on gov’t. That’s a reason to embrace it and make it work better for us, instead of poking a stick in its eye and telling it to go away. Without gov’t, we’d be totally screwed. If people don’t get that, they aren’t paying attention.

8/6…Yankees vs. Red Sox this weekend. Great series. There’s been a series on cable about old time baseball called The Golden Age of Baseball. Really has captured the grittiness and fan friendly flavor of the old days. The uniforms were crappy, the fans were close to the field, photographers were on the field during play, stadiums were gigantic and smack dab downtown (built right off the city sidewalk, near train stations). Teams barnstormed during offseason, going to small towns to play games up the east coast and meet the fans (for a long time all the teams were east of the Mississippi. Players were paid little and required to do a lot. Travel was on trains. Owners dominated. Ruth was the first one to $100,000.00 a year. The other noticable thing right away is that, of course, there were no black players until 1947. In the old films, the players look frail compared to a modern playerlooks.It’s no wonder that there were no real homerun hitters before Ruth. There was a guy called Homerun Baker before Ruth, and I think he was hitting like 15 a year. Of course, by the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s you were getting Mays, Aaron, Mantle, Killebrew, Ralph Kiner, Hank Greeenberg, etc Imagine how many homeruns the sluggers of that era would have hit if they had lifted weights! Even those guys were relatively small compared to modern players. Guys like Killebrew, Boog Powell, and a few others were naturally large, but they didn’t go the extra mile with lots of weights. There training was probably more push up and pull ups, withe some weights thrown into the mix.

8/5…I saw in the news yesterday that a woman was suing her college because she couldn’t find a job. Classic. I’m thinking of suing SUNY Oswego because my salary is low. If they had made me actually study, made me go to the library before my Senior year, and made me play less basketball and drink less, I might have been a CEO by now.

Basketball is my favorite sport, but for pure spectacle it doesn’t touch college football. Football is outdoors—that’s cool. There’s 60,000 fans instead of 20,000, the entire band instead of a pep band, 70-90 players instead of 10-15, fireworks, giant scoreboard, 80 yard passes, violent collisions, very cool uniforms…can’t beat it for totally jacked up energy. When all those players come out on the field, and jets fly over the field, and fireworks go off, I’m ready to do more than cheer. I’m ready to play.

8/4…I started this blog, in large part, to write about my kidney transplant and my donor, Terry. Now, though, I haven’t written on that page in about a month. I think I’m temporarily avoiding the topic. My favorite page on here is the Goofy Fiction page. BUT, the most important page to me is the story of my kidney saga. I want to tell that whole story—and I will. I’m just having a hard time getting back to it because it’s filled with so much drama and raw emotion, and lots and lots of detail. There’s so much to tell. I will though! I’ll finish the transplant story soon. Terry told me that’s the only thing he wanted me to do for him after he gave me the kidney. I will keep my promise to him.

8/1…August is here. The month of Leo, the King of the jungle. I am the king of my castle. Babe knows I’m boss. Doing the fall schedule at work is where I really earn my salary. Not to be disgusting, but…as my stomach problems appear to wind down…ya know what, I’m not going to describe what I was going to describe. It’s too personal. One time when I looked up something on this subject in a medical guide to avoid having to ask a doctor, it said: It’s often better to be like a dog and just move on, rather than looking behind you like a cat to see what you’ve left behind.

7/31…I’m going to add some essays tomorrow to the My Life page! Obama and the rest got through their beer drinking without anyone getting arrested (a giant step forward toward world peace). August is my favorite month and Sunday is my favorite day. My Aug 16 birthday is on a Sunday this year. Elvis and Babe Ruth died on my birthday and Modanna was born on my birthday–same year, same state. We’re practically soul mates. We’ll eventually get married.

7/30…Erica Eisdorfer’s new book has arrived at The Bull’s Head. It will be cool to sell it to people. I’ve been sick with a weird stomach. Could be my medicine. I don’t know. Got to get it settled. One more day closer to college football. I hope the Heels can at least win 9 regular season games. Got to win ALL the games they’re supoosed to win and steal one or two more. Gates and Crowley having a beer today. Maybe Crowley will arrest someone at the White House for disordely political conduct.

7/27...One day closer to college football. I added a poetry page. I call it poetry for lack of a better word. I aint no poet, but I gave it a try a few times.

7/25…I’m going to add 3 or 4 more essays tomorrow!!!!

7/24…I understand why the police would intially be suspicious of Gates (as they would anyone when they arrive at a potential burglary site). But, once they saw that he was a 60 year old man in a polo shirt, with a cane, who says that he lives there, and then produces ID, the whole thing should have deescalated very quickly. Gates almost certainly was yelling, mad, and disrespectful. Is any of that a crime? I don’t think so. I think you could stand on your own property and tell the police they’re incompetent all day and that wouldn’t be illegal. Am I wrong? It isn’t resisting arrest because no crime was committed./ The police should have said, “if you want to file a complaint here’s how to do it, we’re leaving now.”

7/21…I’ve been in the hospital since Sunday. Of all the times I’ve been in the last few years,this has been the most frustrating. They’re doing all the right things to treat my infection, but I need sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!! They wake me up like six times from 11-6. It’s so fustrating that they can’t figure out a way to change the policy in a case where someone really needs about 6 hours of straight sleep. There’s a sign on the room doors that says: TO HELP THE HEALING PROCESS, RESPECT QUIET TIME FROM 3-4pm. DON’T DISTURB THE PATIENT. What? Are you kidding me? How about not disturbing me between midnight-6am. They bring me a single pill at 5:30am that I take at 9:00 at home. It’s not even an important pill! He’s like….”Mr. Handy, I’ve got your morning pill.” I’m like, what “morning pill” are you talking about?

With that rant out of the way…, I do think I’ll be out of here by Wednesday. They need to grow blood cultures and finish with te antibiotic. They’re very careful with infections because of my circumstances. My new kidney is still very fine, and everything should be baxck to normal in a couple of days. I hope.

7/18…I’ve been sick all weekend, after thinking I was better yesterday. Fever, etc. BUT, it doesn’t seem to be serious, I hope. My fever hasn’t been extreme like when I had full blown infections. Tom Watson one day closer. Man, I hope he can hang in there tomorrow.

7/17…Sick today for the first time in a while, but I feel better now. When my fever broke I was drenched in sweat. It’s weird when that happens. Looks like Tiger isn’t going to make the cut at The Open—very strange. Tom Watson winning would be very very cool. Go get one for the old guys. Nickalaus won the Masters when he was 46. Watson is 59. I get so few chances to sit down and work hard on this blog. I need a laptop so I can work on it at home. I think UNC training camp opens up in about two weeks.

7/15…Another hazy lazy day in CH. Very slow at work. This weekend I’m going to work on adding more essays. Will Health Care get passed? It’s going to be a fight, but this is the closest they’ve gotten, way closer than Hillary got in the 90’s. College footbal can’t get here fast enough. Is Jesse Hollie going to make the Cowboys?

7/14…I entered the NPR short fiction contest with the FRED T. HUMPER piece on the Goofy Fiction page. There’s already 3,000 entries, so… Anyway…

7/13…Bruno, the movie, is raw and raucous. Loved seeing people being made tres uncomfortable by him. Another Monday in a long line of Mondays. What will Tuesday bring? Don’t have much to say. See ya.

7/11...I’ve wanted all along to find a way to publicize the need for more kidney donors. I also want people to know what Terry did for me (without embarassing him). He wants to go to a Florida St. football game this fall…it’s a Thursday night game on ESPN. I’m going to see if a local sports writer could do a story about Terry going to the game, and what he did for me, and talk about the need for more donors. I had sort of generally thought of doing something like this a while ago, but my friend Matt suggested it with a lot more specifics yesterday. I would want to be sure that the main part of the story would be about how more people could potentially do what Terry did. I know he would want that too. If Terry gets a ticket to the game too, that would be icing on a great cake!

7/10...YANKEE FAN ALERT: Read the Thurmon Munson biography that just came out. It will give you all you want to know about the Yankees in the 70’s—Murcer, Pinella, Reggie, Willie Randolph, Gossage, Catfish Hunter, Roy White, etc. Remember…the Yankees sucked from 1965-1974. Didn’t win a pennant until 1976, first since ’64. Mostly, though, the book obviously reveals a lot about Munson, his life and his accidental death in a plane he was piloting. Really well written. There’s a lot in there I didn’t know about the crash and the rest of his life. The first game they played at the Stadium after his sudden death was the most moving event I’ve ever seen on a sports field. They had a memorial for him and then after several minutes the fans started cheering and wouldn’t stop for like ten minutes. Anyway…

7/9…Going to the doctor today. Things seem to have totally stabalized on the kidney front. It should be the easiest visit I’ve had in a long time. I’ve got to go right now actually.

7/8….In the midst of bashing Michael Jackson’s talent as an entertainer, Fox News guy declared Sammy Davis the greatest entertainer of all time. I’m not even going to comment. I’ll just let that speak for itself.

7/7…Franklin street just got a lot less interesting. The Varsity movie theatre has closed down. Not good. Since I’ve lived here (since ’94), the Columbia St bakery closed (had Open Mic nights), the Lizard & Snake closed (a cool bar that had Punk bands and all kinds of other great acts), The Initimate Bookshop closed (I worked there), and now The Varsity. I used to lead a movie discussion group, and we saw most of our movies at The Varsity or The Chelsea. Places with character and quirkiness are going away and that is a loss for everyone. There is no way that corporate owned places can be spontaneous or quirky because everything has to be approved by headquarters. Everything is homogenized—like a cookie cutter housing development. Do we want everything to look more or less the same? I don’t. I guess a lot of peole do. Multi plex movie theatres look and feel the same. That’s not good. The Varsity gave you the feeling that flexible creative cool people were behind the scenes (which they were). I’ll miss that. I’ll miss hand made signs and all the rest of the unique character that comes at independently owned art places. Maybe Cooperatively owned bookstores and movie thatres are the answer?

7/6…I’m changing the name of this blog to: I HATE PENNSYLVANIA. I don’t hate the state, just driving through it on 81. It takes forever. It took me 5 1/2 hours to drive through from above Scranton to Maryland border yesterday because of construction. Tried to find alternate route and drove in a 1 hour circle. Anyway, back in Chapel Hill! Back to work. Will write more later.

7/4…Happy Birthday USA. Last full day of vacation and then back to the hill. Fireworks tonight? Maybe. Brownies this morning? Definitely.

7/1…Went to Cooperstown today, but didn’t go in the Hall of Fame, just walked around because we’d all been to the Hall before. I’m slowly, but surely adding more to the My Life page. More pictures and more text is on the way.

 

6/29…Jason and I will be busy today, so we’ll add more essays tomorrow. He has a piano recital tonight. He’s playing Chopin, Beethoven, and Bach at a private recital.

6/28...Great Graduation party today! We were in the backyard of my brother’s house. Tim and Janet made it all nice and cozy—great food, great people, great time.

6/27...I went to the high school graduation of my nephew Jeff today. Very cool. All my nieces and nephews are amazing—smart, fun, and talented. Jeff got some awards and scholarships. It was cool to see all the fresh faced optimism and a little sad to know that Jeff is all grown up now. As an adult, there’s always the tendency to remember the days when your now grown relatives were still running around the house in their super hero pajamas and going to elementary school with their goofy lunch pails. My other nephew and I are making big upgrades to the My Life page (adding essays & pictures and correcting stupid spelling & grammar mistakes). We did some today, but we’ll do most of it starting on Monday.

6/25…I’m in Norwich NY now on my vacation to see my family! I’ve recruited my nephew Jason to do a lot of updating on here. He’s a typical 12 year old who is instinctively a whiz on the computer (what I consider “a whiz”). Michael Jackson is dead! Damn. That is shocking. Everyone knows his body was a nightmare, but a deadly heart attack is unbelievable.

6/23…I have no idea how to use facebook. I need to get out of it. Starting vacation tomorrow! Staying in Gettysburg PA and then on to NY to see family. My dog Babe will be with me. I’ll take her over to hang out with the ghosts on the Civil War battlefield Wed night. It’s very cool driving through the battlefield on a week night when there’s no one around, very poignant and a little spooky at dusk.

I’m going to renovate the My Life page very soon (end of this week) and add photos all over the blog!

Finished book about Bonnie & Cyde. Whatever you know about them, multiply it by two and that’s how unbelievable their lives on the run were. If you’ve never seen the movie about them, check it out—Warren Beatty, Faye Dunaway, and Gene Hackman. Best 1970’s suspense movie is “Midnight Express,” about an average Joe young guy who gets caught taking drugs out of Turkey and ends up in a totally hellish prison. Amazing movie!

My Ten Favorite American Movies: Sling Blade, Raising Arizona, The Graduate, The Great Esacape, Midnight Express, Halloween, Bad Santa, Bonnie & Clyde, Wizard of Oz (when I was a kid), Westside Story

6/21…Sometimes on the weekend I go into this particular motel’s lobby over near Eastgate to use their computer and check my email. It’s supposed to be for motel guests. I’m using it right now. Pretty funny. I have a computer at home, but no internet access. They’re always like…”Good morning sir, how are you today?” They think I’m a guest they need to schmooze.

I don’t think the protesters in Iran need any more motivation from us. They’re very fired up on their own. I think they (young people especially) instinctivelywant to be more cosmopolitan, more modern—and want to express their creativity in terms of what they wear , what they think and do, etc. As I said, they don’t need encouragement from us at this point. They’ve looked at less repressive societies like ours and thought: That’s what we want. No need to tell them now that we’re on their side. They already get it. Politically speaking, we can’t interfere because a) we don’t know who is ultimately going to win this battle for power b) we don’t want it to look like we were the puppet masters again. We’ve done more than enough of that in the past. We do, though,need to get other countries (along with us) to help diplomatically if it gets even more violent day after day. Then, the international community would need to really step up pressure on the hardliners in the government. This is really an intellectual, urban, young people movement going on in Iran. Not unlike progressive civil rights movements in the U.S. The difference seems to be that middle class people are actively jumping on board too.

6/20…They say money doesn’t equal happiness, and it does make finances more complicated, but I’d like to give being rich a try! Watched Tiger play 18 holes and it felt like he was constantly on the brink of a huge day, but ended with a 69. Nadal’s knee is a mystery. It seems like mental fatigue is a big factor in pulling out of Wimbeldon. I need a cool date! I really need a cool date. Glad my friend Dana is moving back soon with her family.

6/19…Damn, that UNC game sucked last night. Time to think about football.

6/18...I’m about half way through a book about Bonnie & Clyde. It’s a great story. Early on, Clyde was going to bust every prisoner out of the down and dirty prison he had been in. He wanted to bust them all out because the prisoners were so badly beaten there. Plus, I’m sure he would have recruited some of them. He had gotten together guns, cars, and thugs to help him. Then, before they could try it, 2/3 of the gang was caught and arrested. He and Bonnie and other gang members go on all kinds of bank robberies and other adventures. They’re constantly on the run, driving hell bent from one state to another, and then trying to catch liitle moments with family and friends without getting caught.

Go Heels tonight against Arizona St. Everyone says Atrizona St. is pretty cocky.

6/17…My lab results are very good now. My kidney function is stable and my white blood count is up to a reasonable level. A friend of mine is in the process of being evaluated for a transplant. She’s found a potential donor. It’s weird to see someone who I’m close to go through all the same things I just encountered. I’m going to help her all I can. The main thing really is finding a donor, staying positive, and taking care of your body— eating and sleeping well, etc. The other thing is to have open and regular communication with your doctor and coordinators.

6/16...Do or die for Carolina baseball at 2:00 today. I think they’ll win. Gore says he lost the ball in the sun in Sunday’s game. I’m sure he did. You can’t catch what you can’t see. You’ll never see Stevie Wonder playing right field after he sings the National Anthem. GM dealer is offering me a supposedly great deal to trade in my Pontiac. I’m going to listen to an offer. We’ll see. Vacation in two weeks to the vacation wonderland of Upstate New York. Whichever President can be a catalyst for Isreali/Palestinian peace will be considered a very successful President for that reason alone. The two sides need to be told that this isn’t a dispute that only effects them. The entire world has been held hostage by this situation for decades. It destabalizes the entire region, which obviously has a profound effect on the entire international community.

6/15…If you’re a regular reader, don’t be confused by the new page names. MY LIFE is the new name for the MORE NON-FICTION page (and the current content is exactly the same). MY LIFE (W/ BAD KIDNEYS) is simply a new name for the KIDNEY DISEASE page.

Damn, how did Garret misjudge that ball in right field in the UNC game? Kobe got his title. Doen’t make me happy. Iran is either going to calm down to a simmer or completely boil over. We’ll see.

6/14…I’m adding “Goodby Suzanne” to the MORE NON-FICTION page. It’s halfway done. I’ll finish it tomorrow. Tar Heels play in the College World Series today at 2:00 on ESPN. It’s going to be some great pitchers on both sides. Sometimes when the build up is for great pitching, it ends up being surprisingly high scoring. We’ll see. Winner gets a much smoother trip to next round.
6/12…Damn, Orlando gave away that game last night. Now down 3-1 they have very little chance. Smug Kobe is probably going to win his championship. I hate guys like Bryant that cry after every call or non foul call. Yeah, I did it too, but I can still hate it. How did Nelson not get up on Fisher and deny that three pointer! Last shot by Orlando not well constructed by coaches. Howard misses both free throws with 11 seconds left! Kobe wrapping up Howard and pulling him to the ground should be free throws, plus the ball. They don’t call it that way, but they should!

I was thinking this morning about all the time I spent on dialysis. Man, I hated that. Laying there for 3 1/2 hours day after day after day. It was so boring and frustrating. I never felt so out of control of a stituation. Any other time I’ve been in a situation I didn’t like (where I live, a job, etc, etc), I got out of it. I was stuck with that damn machine. I made the best of it, though, like anyone in that kind of situation needs to do in order to stay positive. It’s all relative! I always knew there were people a lot worse off than me. I never forgot that. I’m free from it now! I’m going to go over there sometime and say hi to everyone and thank them again for taking care of me.

6/11…I cleaned out my closet of a bunch of crap last night and found a folder full of very quirky old writings. One piece of writing I found was a thing making fun of love poems. I had written a very straightforward mushy poem about love, so I wanted to balance it out by writing a tongue in cheek goofy stupid thing about love.

Here’s the beginning of it…

LOVE IS…

Changing your mind after thinking about throwing pebbles at your lover because you were mad at her. You think twice and realize you really shouldn’t throw things at the one you love. You feel fortunate that your honey didn’t realize you had considered doing such a stupid nasty thing. After you’ve finished calming down, you want to say something sweet and romantic to your sweetheart. After thinking about it for a second, you think of the perefct thing to say. You tell her…

“Honey, I love you SO MUCH…I would never throw a rock at you. I promise!”

__________________

There’s another one about a guy named “Flicky.” That was written because my friend accidentally said the word flicky one day when she meant to say some other word. There’s a lot more crazy stuff in all the timed writings I did in my writing group back in the day.

I hope Orlando comes back and beats LA. Federer and Tigers parallel pursuit of the Grand Slam records is cool stuff.

Politics has gotten so absurd. The NY state Senate has locked their chamber doors because the Republicans staged what is being called a coup. In my opinion it’s because both sides freak out when they think the pendulum is swinging too far in the opposite direction from their positions. I sometimes think that the most radical among us should be given a couple of states to govern as they see fit. Maybe a couple of less populated states like Idaho or Montana. I’m just kidding obviously, but I sometimes wonder.

Yankees need to beat the Red Sox tonight. They’re 0-7 this year against them.

My niece graduated a couple of years ago and is on to college. Jeff graduates this month. Is there any cliche more true than “time flies?”

I need a date. Just saying. As you get older, it’s so much harder to simply meet people randomly. Where’s sweet serendipity? You can’t wait for things to happen. I should say...I can’t wait for things to happen.

6/8...I hate the 2-3-2 home and away format in the NBA final. Now Orlando has to win three (instead of two in the traditional 2-2-1-1-1 format) in a row at home to maintain any chance of winning the series. The poor rookie missed basically a layup at the buzzer last night that would have won the game for the Magic. He also missed a two ft. shot about a minute earlier.

Just read a google entry that up to 16 million people are descendants of Ghenghis Khan because he and his sons were with so many women and had so many kids. I wonder who raised the kids? Kahn sure wasn’t playing ball in the backyard with any of them.

What was Brett Michael, leader of band called Poison, doing at the Tony awards? He did a show called Rock of Love where a bunch of women competed for his attention. It was the least mature and biggest breasted group of women I’ve ever seen—also lots and lots of tatoos and leather.

On CNN they said that a huge newly discovered batch of colored photos of Hitler have emerged. Is Life magazine still published? It said they have possession of them. I looked at some of them on line—they’re typical of what has been seen before, but some are in more intimate settings. As always, they are creepy, especially the ones taken of giant crowds of frenzied followers. There’s also a particularly bizzare photo of row after row of German male athletes standing at attention, wearing just white shorts. A strange and scary chapter in human history.

6/7...UNC beat ECU easily 10-1 and 9-3 this weekend to advance to the College World Series! UNC struck out 20 or 21 batters in 18 innings over two games. Sweet! ECU fans were typically weird and obnoxious, but I give them credit for being fired up and not giving up. Their chants are like something from a Middle School softball game. They’re down 10-1 in the 9th of game one, and still chanting “ball one meat!,”getting excited about ball one in the last innning of a total blow out. Also, at that point the pitcher (Alex White) was working on a one run twelve strike out game. I don’t think the chants were getting to him!

6/6...No time to write anything! Going to baseball game and then a bachelor party. Haven’t been to a bachelor party in a long time.

6/4…As I was editing a couple of essays on here, I thought about the fact that not including anything about my close friend Jackie (ex girlfriend) leaves a huge gap in my story. She and I went out with each other for about two years around the time I was diagnosed with PKD. I will add an essay about her soon.

6/3...The posse entered the saloon and banged their heads on the tool box held up by a spider web in the back corner of the UPS truck’s back pocket which led to the monkey finding it’s way to Lennon’s strawberry fields where blueberries have replaced strawberries meaning that Trader Joes will have more pie. (That’s just a little free association word play.)

Speaking of pies…I have been buying pies at Trader Joes. I love pie! In the past, I’ve eaten entire pies in the car on the way home from the grocery store. When I’m really active and less apt to put on weight, I eat like a hungry bear who has just emerged from their cave after hibernating for the winter. I’m currently convincing myself that pies are good for me because of the fruit they use in the Trader Joe pies. It is, though, the crust that gets you. My ongoing battle is to not eat the pies in one sitting. I’m not fat or a glutton! I simply have a big appetite. When people ask me if I’m hungry, I just laugh. I’ve been hungry ever since I left the womb. I’ve experienced a feeling that must be similar to what people mean when they say they’re “full,” but I don’t remember ever feeling like I couldn’t eat anymore, except when I’ve been really sick.

Obama is giving a speech in Egypt tomorrow. It’s not going to fix anything by itself, but it’s a good start. People say…you’ve got to be tough with Iran and other potential or current advesaries—and not coddle them. You’ve actually got to do both! We’ve got to talk constructively and also let others know that the military is always there as an option. Doing one or the other, but not both is never going to work. We need to convince the Middle East that we’re a partner in their ongoing development. They know damn well how powerful our military is. We don’t need to flaunt that.

6/2...I started watching C-Span last night and they’re showing the arguments in front of the Minnesota Supreme Court in the Franken vs. Coleman vote dispute regarding the open Senate seat. I notice that one of the judges is Alan Page! Alan Page is a Hall of Fame ex-defensive lineman for the Vikings. This guy, who used to roll around in the mud and try to violently tackle NFL quaterbacks, is now wearing funky professorial glasses and wearing a bow tie, as he sorts through complex cases in front of the court. Nice to see a football player successfully transition to a high quality profession.

Speaking of voting…Our voting system needs an overhaul. Gore vs. Bush and this mess in Minnesota are just more dramatic examples of how absurdly stupid our system is. First of all…voting should be done on Saturdays, so it’s easier to vote. (It was traditionally done on Tuesdays to help out farmers way back when that was an issue.) More importantly, there should be a standardized way to vote. Allowing every state and every locality to come up with whatever silly way they want to do it is not productive. Find the simpliest, most straightfoward method, and do it the same way everywhere. If that viloates state rights, then at least do the Presidential voting in a uniform way. The key is to make the voting and the counting as clean and uncomplicated as possible.

The Yankess were playing Cleveland last night (the same place where the pitcher got attacked by bugs in the playoffs a couple of years ago) and last night the bugs were back. AND, there were like 50 Seagulls walking around in the middle of right field. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen on a playing field. It was like a bizzare Alfred Hitchcock movie. The birds were oblivious to everything. I guess they were eating the grass? Just hanging out? Looking for random crumbs? The outfielders were having to run through them.

The Tar Heels are playing ECU in the NCAA Super Regional next weekend. Not looking forward to those many obnoxious ECU fans. BUT, it would be especially nice to send them packing and shut them up. They’re going to be loud in the stands and cocky on the field.

So, this man kills a doctor who is performing abortions, and he does it in the man’s church! It was a barbaric senseless assasination no matter where he had done it, but doing it in church in front of innocent children and adults who felt safe in church seems intensely mean spirited and tragic.

6/1…As I was driving past a wedding party leaving a church yesterday, I was thinking about some of the weird things I’ve done at friend’s weddings. At about half the weddings I’ve been to, I signed in the guest book as either Phil Simms (ex Giants quaterback and my favorite player) or as Elvis. When I went to Joanne and Pete’s wedding, I gave them red lace panties (it pains me to use the word “panties”) as a wedding present and included a card that said they were for Jo to wear and for both of them to enjoy. I gave Doug and Tara a New York Giant’s Year Book. (Sure, they both loved the Giants, but still not really an appropriate wedding gift.) I don’t think I’ve ever given anyone a wedding gift they actually registered for. I like to surprise people! When I was best man at my college rommate’s wedding, I thought I’d free lance a toast late in the reception when everyone was either drunk or at least loosened up a little. BUT…five minutes before the wedding party was set to parade into the reception, I’m suddenly told that when we get in the big reception room (about 2oo guests), while everyone is still standing, the minister will say a prayer and then I’ll give the toast! Holy shit! I’m supposed to follow the minister right after we get in there? From my perspective, that wasn’t a great idea. Let’s just put it this way…the minister was way more articulate than I was. I was planning on telling about some of our escapades in college. I couldn’t do that when everyone was still feeling all giddy and serious so soon after the ceremony—and my silliness would have been right after the minister prayed for Andy and Ellen to love and cherish each other forever. I’m then supposed to talk about what a dope Andy is sometimes, and how many times we got sloshed together. I don’t think so.

Speaking of innappropriate presents… Here’s some of the things I’ve given my mother: My dead discolored toe nail that had fallen off my toe when a new one was done growing in underneath (I gave it to her in a jewlry box). I also gave her Summer’s Eve feminine spray deodorant. It was another joke that she didn’t appreciate! I guess her sense of humor is just different than mine. I think I also gave her a container full of my beard hair when I shaved it off after college. In each case, my brothers laughed a lot, while my mother quietly went into another room and threw out whatever crap I had given her. These presents were all given at Christmas time to give me and my brothers some Christmas joy. Don’t worry…in all these instances, I also gave her nice things too!!! I’ve given her flowers, jewlry, paintings, books. I’m a good son! We all simply enjoy startling Mom with stupid stuff because she’s such a sweet innocent person. We all love her very much! Last thing on the subject of my Mom…I used to call her when she was working as a church secretary and use a fake voice to playfully mess with her. The first time I called, I told her I was staying at the motel across the street from the church. I said…”I need you to stop ringing that damn church bell…it’s waking me up in the morning!” She was so sweet as she explained that she had nothing to do with the bell. I still do “fun” calls to her every once in a while. Just last week I called and pretended I was the IRS calling to tell her that their taxes were going to be audited. She loves me despite my pranks! She always forgives me and sort of laughs after I reveal that it’s just me calling.

One other side note: The random word play I’ve shown on the WORD PLAY page goes way back. As a kid, I named my brother Tim…”Clyde Baby of the Underworld.” And named Chris.. “Rail’in Man” I named our cat “Ox,” but sometimes referred to him as Bubba Wubba Bubba. I named my Irish Setter Dudley, and called him “Dud.” My mother said, “Michael, if you think I’m ever going to open the door and yell Dudley’s name so the neighbors can hear me (to get him to come inside)…you’re crazy.” I didn’t think Dudley was a weird name at all. I liked it.

***I wonder if my Mom would have liked to have had a daughter, in addition to three sons and a husband? You think? Well, enough said.

5/29… Everybody says TGIF, but I really mean it today. It’s been a long slow week at Student Stores, even though it was a four day week. UNC baseball is in the regional part of the NCAA tournament this weekend. Dartmouth tonight and either Kansas or Coastal Carolina tomorrow. Hopefull they’ll move on to a Super Regional next week. I’ve got to take Babe, my dog, on a very long walk tonight. I’ve neglected walks this week, so I’ve bribed her with dog bones instead. That will only go so far. Labs aren’t happy if they aren’t able to explore, and sniff, and walk around. I take her to the woods a lot when there aren’t as many ticks around. There’s a lot of running and tail wagging out there. She’s as happy as a pig in a mound of slop when she’s able to run around free—off the leash. Man, I wish all dogs were able to roam free more often. It’s their nature to want to get out and tear around and get some stimulation, especially the big strong athletic dogs like Babe.

5/28,,,There’s a column in the editorial section of the NYT today by Nicholas Kristoff about why liberals and conservatives talk past each other so much and can’t find common ground. It also talks about characteristics that tend to define individuals from both “camps.” It’s worth reading. If nothing else, it’s a reminder that figuring out how to have empathy for people with opposite view points is a challenge worth pursuing. One way to feel less separated is to not listen to people with the most extreme views, especially if they express their views in a really biting sarcastic bitter way. We know the people on cable (on both sides) who do this. I listen to them for comic relief, not to get any legitimate points of view.

5/27...

***Since the Supreme Court selection announcement yesterday…conservatives are saying that the court should interpret law, not make laws. It’s true that the process of deciding a case it not about “making law.” BUT, when the court interprets a law, the result is that they do, in effect, make law because people then obviously have to abide by the resulting law—based on the interpretation made by the court. So the court does, in effect, make policy/law by either reaffirming or dismissing laws already passed by legislators.

Secondly, the nominee is being condemed for saying that as a Latino woman she’d hope she would make better decisions than a white male. Conservatives are saying that if this was reversed that people would never put up with it. (If a white male said he’d make better decisions that a Latino woman.) Here’s the deal…Historically, if a white male said he would make better decisions than a Latino woman, it would have been highly offensive because the implication would have been that he was superior somehow—probably intellectually—because he’s white. On the other hand, she is certainly not saying that as a Latino woman she is by definition superior to any other group of people. I hear her saying that her breadth of experience and her background give her a leg up because she sees things through a wider lense. That could be wrong or untrue!!! It could even be considered offensive somehow. But, it’s very different than saying she’s somehow superior based on gender, race, or ethnicity.

***HAWAII LUNCH PAIL. Hawaii lunch pail represents the idea of random words being put together for no particular reason. My nephew Jeff started saying Hawaii lunch pail when he was in middle school, I guess. The first time I heard it from him I just nodded at him and laughed, while I was thinking…good job Jeff. I goof around with words because it’s fun and because it’s an antedote to the tediousness of hearing some of the same cliches, ideas, and phrases we always hear. Believe me, I’m just as cliche ridden as anybody! I’m going to throw in some random word play on this page pretty regularly.

***Some Senators have added an ammendment to a credit card protection bill making it legal to carry a gun as you travel through National Parks. Thank God! How were we supposed to enjoy time in a park if we couldn’t pack heat? Could you really enjoy the scenery and the fresh air without a gun in your glove compartment? I remember the first time I saw a sign that said guns weren’t allowed in a grocery store. I thought…how are people supposed to shop without a gun with them? What if someone wants to be able to point their gun at the meat they want in the deli section? How are people supposed to get to the front of the line if they don’t have their gun with them? I just don’t get why people want to carry guns around. Just me, I guess.

***Why don’t hospitals have healthier foods in their cafeterias? You’d think there would be huge piles of fruits and veggies everywhere. You’d think greasy fatty food would be almost non-existent. Not the case.

***The sign not allowing guns in the grocery store reminds me of the sign on the gym wall at St. Bonaventure college basketball games. It said: Spectators Not Allowed on the Court During Games. How is a spectator supposed to truly enjoy the game if they aren’t allowed to go on the court and help out a little?

***Which of people’s thoughts aren’t random?

***This isn’t a deep thought…just a simple basic elementary question related to creation that every curious person probably eventually thinks about: If a spritual being created the universe, who or what created the spiritual being?

***Did nothing exist before the universe was created? We’re not talking about the idea that there’s “nothing” in the refrigirator. We’re talking about NOTHING. What is nothing? How could there be nothing? Again, a very superficial question, but the idea of pure nothingness is one that’s beyond the context we live in.

***Cheney says we saved thousands of lives through info gained from torture. Really? I seriously seriously doubt it. The terrorists already had plans made that were foiled because of info they gave the military and the CIA? I doubt it. I assume, like experts have said, that people would make up lies to make the torture stop. Why would they tell the truth when the questioners wouldn’t know the difference between lies and truth? Of course, there’s also the fact that torture is illegal and unethical.

***It’s nice to have an Hispanic woman from the Bronx nominated to the Supreme Court! For me, it’s nice because it makes the court look more like what a random gathering of nine strangers would look like in most places in America. I listened to the announcement in a waiting room at the hospital—and when I looked around at the thirty or so people in the room it was the typical mixture of gender and ethnicity that you find in most public places. It certainly wasn’t 8/9 white men.